Sunday, 27 December 2009

Pretty Robert Downey Junior is pretty

(seriously, being that good-looking must hurt... A LOT)

What: Sherlock Holmes

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior oh, and Jude Law, Rachel MacAdams and some other guy called Mark Strong

When: December 26th

I have a question for you, my non-existent followers, what's better than Robert Downey Junior? No, the answer is not "nothing" (smart asses), the correct answer is "Robert Downey Junior with a British accent" (oh... how I like Robert Downey Junior... *sigh*)

I saw Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes last night and I really liked it. I mean, come on, what could go wrong? First of all, it's a Guy Ritchie film (Snatch is absolutely hilarious) and then...Robert Downey Junior plays the lead character. I also liked the way England is portrayed, it doesn't have a squeaky clean image with gorgeous people running around (apart from Robert Downey Junior of course) in impeccable outfits and great diction, no, no, it's all very dirty, with ugly people, filthy streets and rats (lots of them), you can almost smell it.
I also liked Jude Law as Watson (although I stand by my belief that he's just a bad version of Ewan Macgregor). Oh... and Sherlock Holmes? Don't get me started on him! He was like a CSI, a scientist and a detective, all wrapped in a gorgeous, eloquent, scruffy and toned package... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?... Oh right, hum... so the story revolves a super evil villain (Mark Strong) with pseudo-supernatural powers, his alleged resurrection and a lot of ass-kicking (I'm not going to spoil the movie for you, just go to the movies and enjoy yourself)
So that's about it, it's an amazing film (I think the movie critics at Rotten Tomatoes are a bunch of stuck-up snobs: 48%, really? Are you on crack?), really entertaining, funny and full of mystery. I advise everyone to go see it, especially teenage girls...even if it's just to see what a real man looks like.

Oh, and I have one last question (it's a tricky one): What's better than Robert Downey Junior with a British accent?... Robert Downey Junior speaking french (which he the should really go see it)

Rating: Awesome!

Saturday, 26 September 2009

You basterds!

What: Inglourious Basterds

Who: Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Cristoph Waltz, Diane Kruger.

Sure, but who directed it? Who?! Director/writer: Quentin Tarantino

When: August 2009

I went to see Inglourious Basterds (hoo ray for me!) aaaand... *drum rolls*... I freaking loved it! I mean, you'd have to be a handicapped automaton made by Apple NOT to like it. It was EPIC, it had everything, it was the perfect balance between comedy, gore, meaningful dialogues and good looking people (My name is Jezebel and I approve of Eli Roth, although I'd like to see Zachary Quinto play Donny Donowitz).

So...yes, it deserves all the fuss it's getting. Tarantino did it again (I'm sorry but... am I the only one who thinks he looks creepy as hell and that he's built like a serial rapist?). The movie had a very real vibe to it, if a British soldier spoke German the Nazi officers would be all: "Hmm, this guy has a funny accent, I wonder if he's a super secret evil spy from the allies...". The only not-so real thing in the movie was the ending: Tarantino kills Hitler in the movie but not the usual "*pew pew pew*, you're dead!" death, this was more the "pew pew pew, crash, burn, more pew pew pew, more burning and a few more pew pew" death. Tarantino blows Hitler up, sets him on fire and makes a Swiss cheese out him (you know, I'm going for clever here, Swiss cheeses have holes and so do people when they're shot at repeatedly). I also liked the whole scalping Nazis thing and carving a swastika in the few "lucky" survivors' foreheads.

I just didn't see the point in killing off most of the cool characters (come one, Eli Roth's character was way too pretty to die, way to pretty Quentin! What were you thinking?!). However, Aldo Raine (played by Brad Pitt) gets to live, how's that fair?! HUM?! HOW?!

Oh, give Cristoph Waltz an Oscar. He spoke Italian, French, English and German perfectly... that's got to count for something...right?

Rating: Awesome!

Tuesday, 25 August 2009


What: G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Who: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Dennis Quaid, Lee Byung-hun and a bunch of other people

When: 2009

I love ninjas! Ninjas are awesome, when I grow up I want to be a ninja. Don't you think ninjas are the coolest thing ever? Ok, I think I'm done professing my love for ninjas, I should get started on the review.

Yes, I went to see G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra, to be honest I was expecting it to be a very crappy film. However, I was pleasantly surprised by an old school action movie, where the villain has an underwater lair and an evil scientist to help him out, the good guys kick serious ass and everything ends well.

Actually, the only reason why I decided to go see this movie was because I saw a pretty good amount of ninjas in the trailer. But the best part is that there's a shirtless fighting scene between of them! (I like Asian guys... so sue me)

The plot revolved around James McCullen's (an arms dealer) super evil plan to take over the world (don't you just love a classic?). To do so he asked his mad/evil scientist to develop crazy new nanotechnology capable of chewing through pretty much anything. So he destroys the Eiffel Tower, kills a bunch of people and asks Anna (who was previously brainwashed) to do his dirty work while wearing tight outfits.

At the end, the evil/mad scientist (who's actually Ana's brother, Rex, who was allegedly dead) uses a silver mask made of nano-mites to heal Cullen's injuries (he burnt himself while running
away from the good guys), tells him that his name from now on
is Destro (the same name his medieval ancestor had after being forced to use an incandescent iron mask for the rest of his life) and tells McCullen to call him Commander (at this point he already has a new and scarier suit on and his voice dropped a few eighths), both of them try to escape in a submarine but they end up arrested (poor bastards), the girl is "unbrainwashed" and goes back to Duke (a hunky soldier) and the evil ninja is presumably (PRESUMABLY!) killed by his adoptive brother.

Can anyone say... sequel?

(I'm guessing this last part was confusing, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it)

Rating: Oh yay!

Monday, 10 August 2009

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

What: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Movie)

Who: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Alan Rickman and all the usual people.

When: July 15th, 2009

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter yay! A new Harry Potter movie! Oh, the joy! Nah nah nah, lala la.


And that's all I'm going to say. I cannot review a Harry Potter movie, I'm not worthy.

I will tell you this: I liked it a lot and I believe Snape has never been sexier...

Breaking News

I just read that there's going to be a Mission Impossible 4


God help us all.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

What: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Who: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson and John Turturro

When: 2009

Oh deary me... I' disappointed. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is just a big pile of robotic nonsense, probably the most obnoxious film of the year. The plot is non-existing and there are way too many comic reliefs (I'm sorry, but I like to take movies seriously), I guess Megan Fox in absurdly short shorts ( they basically defy the laws of physics) is the only reason why you would want to see this movie.

It's like someone woke up one day and decided to shoot a movie so unbelievably uninteresting that not even a couple of absurdly good-looking female specimens, bad ass robots and car chases could save it. And, if that wasn't enough, they even threw in there some pseudo-romantic crap, just so guys could convince their girlfriends to go to the cinema with them (however, I wonder how a girl in a relationship will convince her boyfriend to watch New Moon with her. One would think that the inherent lack of "hot chicks" would be a problem...Well, maybe Robert Pattinson is so attractive that even guys will feel compelled to watch it, who knows? Modern society confuses me).

Yeah, there's this whole sub-plot about how Sam (Shia LeBeouf) hasn't confessed his undying for Mikaela (Megan Fox) and vice-versa. Throughout the movie they're like little children arguing ("You say it first!" "No, YOU say it first"). Finally, when Sam is hit by a super evil robotic missile and gets knock-out, Mikaela says she loves him (well, duh, she thought he was dead). But, although unconscious, Sam could still hear her (go figure...), wakes up and gets all full of himself because he wasn't the first to say"it"(smug bastard...).

So, long story short, Sam almost gets raped by an evil robot with a wiggly tail that, when kissed, tastes like diesel. Optimus Prime gets killed only to be resurrected minutes later. Sam acts all dead and stuff just to convince a girl way out of his league to tell him she loves him. Random robots bitch a lot about pretty much everything and the mother of all evil robots is killed in a very anti-climatic scene (No, seriously, it's Kapow! Bam! Pew Pew Pew! Yahoo! And he's dead, I'm not joking)

Rating: Pretty crappy

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Get me the Winchester brothers on the phone, we have a problem

What: Twilight (book)

Who: Stephanie Meyer

When: 2005

Well, apparently I'm going to review a book after all... You probably can't tell from the title but I'm going to write about Twilight, I was tired of all my friends telling me to read the book so I decided to borrow it from the local library (I refused to give a cent of my money to Stephanie Meyer, I think she has enough as it is) and finished it a few days ago.

For the last few months the world has been obsessing over this pseudo vampire/human forbidden love story , people just can't over it, some love it, others hate it, teenage girls and their mothers act like their lives depend on the next sequel. When will it stop?!

So, what can I say about Twilight? Well, first I have to admit... I didn't like it. I'm sorry, I really didn't. I thought it was a mediocre book, not worthy of all the attention it's egetting. There's probably a gazillion really talented but obscure writers banging their heads into a wall yelling "WHY?! WHY?!" right now (poor things...).

You probably know this by now but the plot is about a really plain, uninteresting, not very bright young woman called Isabella Swan who pretty much hates everything (hates the rain, hates the snow, hates getting a lot of male attention, hates not getting a lot of male attention, hates, hates, hates, hates...) that falls in love with a good looking (but slightly stalker) vampire with incredible diction.

The first... I don't know... two hundred hundred pages describe the young girl's struggle to understand why her hunky but odd looking classmate doesn't seem to like her. Later in the book he finally admits that he liked her but he acted all weird around her because he really wanted to suck her blood (apparently she smells really good), Bella's reaction to this affirmation is "Hmm, ok!". Edward (the vampire) also tells her that he sat outside her house at night watching her sleep, again, Bella's reaction is "Hmm, ok!" (because it's only alright to be a creepy stalker if you're good looking). The book's characters are just terrible, really, Bella doesn't seem to have a life of her own, she's really pathetic. If natural selection worked like it used to, Bella would die a few days after being born. She spends most of her time tripping, falling, collapsing and feeling sick to her stomach (I think she has a brain tumor but that's just me...) and, besides, she has no sense of self preservation, when her pseudo-boyfriend tells her that went through the "Actually, I prefer eating people" phase Bella's reaction is (yup, you guessed it) "Hmm, ok" (because they're, like, totally in love, so it's fine).

I guess that the idea of an unbelievably good looking guy falling in love with an average looking girl is reassuring to teenagers but...come on guys, seriously? Are girls so insecure that they find dating their stalkers romantic?! All this true love, soul mate, I-can't-live-without-you thing is really getting old and the saddest thing is that teenage girls are still eating it up. There's no such thing as love at first sight and "I'll die for you" isn't real, people rescue themselves, not their boyfriends. Are we clear?

And then, there's the sparkling issue. Apparently, in Stephenie Meyer's book, vampires, when exposed to the sun, sparkle. Isn't that precious?... I'm a really big vampire/monster fan, I love that stuff. In my opinion Supernatural's version of the vampire myth is the best. Shows like Supernatural or Buffy make vampires look cool, with their super strenght and speed, their badass teeth and attitude. But sparkling? Not so much...

Oh, and before you pick up that copy of Twilight to read it for the seventh time, why don't you consider reading something like... Kafka or, if you're really into novels and romance, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina? It will only do you good.

Rating: Pretty crappy

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Terminator Salvation

What: Terminator Salvation

Who: Christian Bale, Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Worthington

When: May-June 2009

Looks like I'm going to start with Terminator Salvation. Well, apparently Terminator was the next franchise (after Batman) to be rescued heroically by Mr. Christian Bale. He's been busy, hasn't he?. He's even going to be in a movie with Johnny Depp (that's really awesome, even for a guy).

Anyway, this time he plays John Connor (which was just a kid in the last two movies but is now all grown up and pretty), son of Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese and super tough leader of the human resistance against the evil blood thirsty machines who have, basically, taken over the world.

So, in this film, the plot revolves mostly around finding Kyle Reese (which is a teenager. Oh, and don't worry, they eventually find him) so John Connor (his son, that's actually older than him. Wow, is that messed up or what?) can send him back in time to have sex with Sarah Connor (John Connor's mother) so John Connor can exist and save all mankind in the future (like he's doing right now). Confused? So am I. Don't worry about it, I'm guessing it's a normal reaction. The time line is not very coherent. Apart from this tiny, insignificant detail I really liked the film. I'm not saying it's a really deep, emotional and life changing movie, it's just good fun.

The special effects are WOWWOW! Yup, they're THAT awesome. I liked the plot a lot too, what's not to like in a film with cute (but sensitive) guys, a large amount of ass kicking scenes and mean looking machines? I do not know... I must disagree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, only 33% of the reviews were positive! What's wrong with you people?! Seriously?!

Rating: Oh yay!

So... that's about it. I hope it doesn't suck too much for my first review.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Well, hello there!

Well hello, fellow bloggers! My name is Jezebel and this is my blog!

You'll find here mostly movie reviews, reviewing books and music just isn't as fun.
I can't review every single movie that comes out, after all, I'm not made of money. I can't go to the cinema everyday but I'll do my best to keep this blog updated and with all the major films reviewed.

I also have a very unique (and extremely accurate) rating system:

0% - 20% --> Load of crap

20% - 50% --> Pretty crappy

50% - 65% --> Meh

65% - 75% --> Meh +

75% - 85% --> Oh yay!

85% - 99% --> Awesome!

100% --> Insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life

Well, that's about it, let's start the show!