Thursday, 14 January 2010

Faith in Mankind? I have none.

People are getting depressed after watching Avatar.

Have you seen this, have you heard about this? Yup, that's right, depressed...some of them even attempted suicide.

Let's get something straight. I get sucked in too, I love Harry Potter movies. I mean, really, I LOVE THEM, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! I must have read the books three times each and I really like the characters but I do not get depressed after watching the films and certainly don't feel the need to commit suicide. The first part of the last film is being released this year and I don't feel the least bit sad, I'm actually very excited.

I mean, come on, how stupid can you be? First of all, the film wasn't that great and then, if Pandora actually existed, would you really want to live there? Think about it, it's a hostile environment, with crazy alien panthers, hammerhead rhinoceroses and only god knows what kind of weird diseases you would catch over there. I'm also going to assume these people are how would you survive five minutes without twitting (am I "saying" it right? Probably not... maybe it's twittering...) or updating your facebook status?

But the REALLY sad thing is that none of the people that attemped suicide actually died.

Darwin wouldn't be very proud.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Revenge of the Smurfs

(I know, I know, the whole "smurf joke" is getting old. Well, too bad, I LIKE IT)

What: Avatar (in 3-D, not that's very relevant)

Who: Sam Worthington, Zoe SaldaƱa, Michelle Rodriguez, Sigourney Weaver, Joel David Moore (oh, he's pretty).

When: December 18th ... ish

Jeez... Avatar is getting everyone's panties in a knot, isn't it? People are going crazy for the bloody thing and, frankly, I don't get it. It's going to become a GINORMOUS blockbuster just like Titanic (crappy crappy crappy, just the thought of it makes me want to go into a coma) and I found it rather boring. Sure, it's shiny (really shiny, if you haven't seen it prepare yourself for ultimate shininess!), I'll give you that but apart from having amazing special effects it really isn't all that. I like to describe it as a big bright blue yawn.

Seriously, it's the oldest story in the world: paraplegic human boy meets alien chick, human boy and alien chick fall and love and have sexy time under a talking tree, human boy saves alien chick's planet from being blown up and everyone lives happily ever after... tah dah! Choose a Disney movie, throw in a few blue people and a wheel chair and BOOM you've got Avatar!
About the whole 3-D experience...yeeahh... I didn't care for it. Sure, it was fun... for the first 10 minutes but after that...bleh. They (the evil cinema people) charged me a few extra pounds for that?! A few, occasional, floating specks of...well... cosmic shmut?! (it has to be italicized because I'm not even sure that's a real word) No thank you, I like my boys submissive, my steak well done and my movies flat! (no giant Sam Worthington head popping out of the screen for me, you can keep it).

The film is incredibly predictable, it's just a really big pile of everything cliche. You know what I would like to see in Avatar? Joel David Moore's character get some. I'm serious, I'm not just saying this because I think he's...well...rather good looking but because I would really like to see a geeky character in a motion picture getting laid (well, at least a geeky character that is not played by Michael Cera). Yeah, instead of a brutish marine I would really enjoy watching a skinny scientist save the day (or, at least, get the girl). I'm telling you, hunky marines don't get very far, it's really skinny socially awkward scientists that make the world move forward.

And, do you know what a rather intelligent individual said about Avatar on Rotten Tomatoes?! Well, let me be the one to tell you! He said, and I quote: "(Avatar) Alternates between a slurry Marc Franz impressionism and the most elaborate Thundercats episode ever made." I could not agree more.

Maybe I'm being mean. It was a good time, mildly entertaining and all but...meh... I don't know, I guess I got my hopes up. I was expecting to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life" but it fell short. But, hey, the movie was very successful! You know what that means? It means there's going to be not one but two sequels! Imagine that... two even shinier sequels I can trash...

With that being said, you know what's Avatar's rating on Rotten Tomatoes? 82%! (What kind of crack house are they running over there?!)

Rating: Meh +