Sunday, 21 February 2010

The Wolfman

What: The Wolfman (well, duh)

Who: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving and Benicio del Toro

When: How the well should I know?

I don't like horror films. I really don't, I find them...illogical. Psychological thrillers and "stuff" like Saw and The Exorcist aren't my thing at all. I don't go to the movies to get the crap scared out of me, I go to the movies to have fun (which I don't have if I'm scared out of me mind), to enjoy myself and to watch abnormally good looking people engaging in awesome activities (such as head-chopping and flying). However, I do like pointless gore and werewolves (the kind that's not seventeen years old and constantly shirtless) and non-sparkling mythological creatures so I decided I really wanted to watch a film with some old school werewolves and, hopefully, lots of pointless violence.

Well, I saw the movie yesterday and I still don't know what to make of it. I mean, it was pretty awesome and I had a lot of fun. In one scene, Anthony Hopkins, in werewolf mode, attacks a policeman from behind and you can actually see his claws coming out of the man's mouth! (How cool is that?!). However, a lot more could be done with this film. I was hoping Lawrence (Benecio del Toro's character) and Gwen (Emily Blunt's character) would have some sexy time but they barely kissed. And that's just wrong, you can't have gore without sex (you just can't). I mean, teenagers under 16 aren't allowed in the cinema but apart from a few heads flying around there's nothing really inappropriate in it, there's nothing in it that would scar small children for life. I wanted something really shocking like bestiality or scenes so gruesome that made everyone nauseated enough to vomit all their popcorn.

Now, the story itself is not all bad, it's in a healthy medium, not too fancy, not too elaborate. The special effects are well, rather silly but all in all, fine. To be honest the whole film is just... ok. It's just a very large pile of "averageness", but it's good enough to give me hope! Hope that Twilight hasn't marked the end of cool monster movies.

(I just noticed something: Benicio del Toro has that "mildly attractive groove" going on, doesn't he?... good for him).

Rating: Meh

Friday, 5 February 2010

Number nine...number nine

(yes, it's a reference to The Beatles. Get over it)

What: Nine

Who: Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard (I sense I'm missing someone...) oh, that's right, Penelope Cruz

When: December...ish

Nine is probably the best bad movie ever. Confused? Well, allow me to explain: Nine is a terrific theory. It has a great cast, it's inspired by a semi autobiographical film by Frederico Fellini and...well, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, how could it go wrong? But, oh dear, something terrible happened, I can't tell you exactly what, but it was very very bad.

I really don't know if it was the director or some whiny producer... but Nine, instead of being a timeless movie is just...well... the biggest pile of baloney I've ever watched (not as bad as Miami Vice...but then again, what is?). Seriously, it's really bad. The whole movie is entirely made by clips of random hot women throwing themselves at Daniel Day Lewis's character, Guido (despite his greasy hair, I don't think he showered the whole movie). No, really. You can't watch five minutes of the film without some random attractive stranger trying to dry hump him.

There's another thing I don't get, the movie making people hired actresses like Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Fergie for a gazillion dollars (oh and Penelope Cruz, I geep forgetting her for some reason) and then each one gets 5 minutes on screen (and, for some reason, they made Fergie eat a ridiculous amount of cheesecake). I have to say, I was expecting a lot more. Not even the songs were good, they sounded all the same to me.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of musicals but I think they can be fun, I liked Sweeney Todd (meh, who didn't) and I even thought Chicago (which is from the same guy who made Nine) was alright, but Nine is just painful to watch. People, don't do this to yourselves. Do something more productive with your time, like...milking a cow or something.

However, I have the strange feeling you're not getting how bad this film actually is, so let me try to put this layman's terms: Nine is so bad it makes yawns yawn, it is so crappy that not even the random hot priest in the begging of the movie made it worth watching! (And I enjoy hot catholic priests more than the average woman).

That's how bad Nine is.

Rating: Load of crap (craptacular, I would say)