Thursday, 8 September 2011

Conan: Khal Drogo speaks english

What: Conan the Barbarian

Who: Khal Drogo, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Land, Rose McGowan

When: August 19

Mastermind: Marcus Nispel

Before I start the review I'd like to share with you something I've discovered: Jason Momoa does not act. I wish I could tell you if he's a good actor or a bad actor but I can't because HE DOES NOT ACT. He never plays a character, he just shows up and does the only thing he knows how to do: he's himself. There is no Khal Drogo, no Conan, there is only Jason Momoa being Jason Momoa. He'll play barbarians until the day he dies because, well, look at him, he IS a barbarian, a modern barbarian, but a barbarian nonetheless.

I see you are skeptical. Don't believe me? Well, I've got proof.

Non english speaking barbarian

 English speaking barbarian

Futuristic barbarian

Hipster barbarian
Suited up barbarian

Now do you believe me? He's a barbarian. For cheese's sake, look at his eyebrows, the man has scars in strategic places! His surname is Momoa! He named his son Nakoa-Wolf, he has to be a barbarian (well, at least that's what I choose to believe in so shut up).

Well, anyway, Conan: the barbarian is a very silly film and should never, under any circumstance, be taken seriously. The plot is very meh and the lead female character is unspeakably annoying. The evil witch lady with the giant forehead was way more interesting than her. I would've been very happy if Tamara (that's the silly girl's name, I had to google it) really did end up being sacrificed (bad ass witch mothers are usually more interesting than blue-eyed (?) bimbos). 

The only sex scene in the film is very unfortunate. For some reason they feel the need to abandon their cosy pirate ship and have sex in a barn by sea full of hay and... diseases. Conan is also a regular Don Juan: he loves, then leaves. The film ends with Tamara and Conan saying goodbye, she couldn't possibly join him in his adventures even though she showed natural sword fighting skills because OH WAIT I HAVE NO IDEA.

And then there's the villain, the usual bad guy who kills the young hero's family and destroys his village thus providing him with the anger and motivation he needs to be a bad ass when he grows up. Also, following tradition, the bad guy has an opportunity to kill Jason (no Conan for you, you can't trick me) but he doesn't beacuse then the film would be 30 minutes long.

Rating: Meh (rather silly)