Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Paranormal activity my ass

What: Paranormal Activity 2

Who: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Brian Boland, blah blah blah 

When: October 22nd

Mastermind: Tod Williams

Remember when I said I didn't like horror films? Well, if they're all like Paranormal Activity 2 you can forget I ever said that. Horror films don't scare me, they bore the crap out of me (although I don't know which is worse: being scared or bored out of my mind).

I was expecting really creepy stuff like sentences written in blood on the walls or a mutilated cat hanging from a chandelier but instead I got haunted cabinetry. Seriously? That's what's scaring people nowadays? Furniture? I have to say, I'm not impressed.

The first half of the film is really unfortunate. It's just a few random clips of people relaxing by a pool or taking care of their children. I understand they had to give us some kind of background story, they had to try to make us like those people so that, when they finally died, it'd be awful and heartbreaking. But, oh boy, that so didn't happen. By the time the "creepy" stuff started happening (which was after an hour of boring dialogue and choppy scenes) I was so fed up I was hoping they'd all just fall into a wood chipper and get it over with.

Unfortunately, when I say "creepy stuff" I don't mean their dog got turned inside out or some sort of evil spirit wrote quotes from the bible in blood (or any other bodily fluid, I'm not picky) on their walls. None of that. Something did happen to their dog, we just don't what. They mention it got sick (I believe they said something about a heart attack) and rush it off to the vet but the camera never shows what the evil demon spirit did to it. I like to think it just hid on a closet or something, waited for the dog to walk in from of it, jumped out, yelled "buh!" and scared the crap out of the poor thing.
In another scene, a teenage girl thinks she hears something outside and opens the front door, when she steps into the garden the door slams behind her... Ooohh spooky! A draft! Run for your lives! That scene was like twenty minutes long and it culminated in a slamming door, I wish I could ask for a refund or at least that they'd throw a axe murderer in there, it'd make the film so much better.

There's also a flying woman, a hovering baby, a whole lot of talking and a few fidgety pots and pans. But, really, whoever makes these films: just...stop, ok? Make something about unicorns, they're always a crowd-pleaser.

Rating: Pretty Crappy

(I know I promised to stop but... T-Meter critics... 60%? Really? Look at your life, look at your choices...)

Friday, 24 September 2010

Awesome sauce

ZOHMYGOODNESS! Have you seen it?! HAVE YOU SEEN IT, GOD DAMMIT?! It''s beautiful...

It looks absolutly amazing... I want it... NOW!

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

What: The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Who: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina, Teresa Palmer

When: July 14th

Mastermind: Jon Turtletaub

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is average... painfully average. It's...irrelevant. Sure, it's shinny, I mean, not Avatar shinny but it's ok. The special effects are pretty cool but, lets be honest, no one cares. Seriously, would you go to the cinema to watch Harry Potter's retarded third cousin who may or may not be slightly inbred? No, you wouldn't. Why? Because there's already an awesome wizard franchise out there and no one can pull a Harry Potter ("I'm a sorcerer?! But I'm just a normal and awkward little boy! Surely it can't be!" It's been done, love) apart from Harry Potter himself. One might try to argue that this film was based on a poem by Paul Dukas and that there's no sorcery school but it just feels... derivative.

The actors didn't help either. Jay Baruchel has fallen in the Michael Cera trap: he plays himself in every film. We get it, he's awkward, he's very pale, he's skinny, he has a high-pitched voice, he's a nerd/geek/dork, he gets the girl, blah blah blah. Seen it all before. And it's not only that, he's constantly bitching and moaning. "Oh, no thanks Mr. Magician Man, I don't want to have awesome super powers and shoot lighting out of my hands, no, sorry, don't want to save the world either. I'd rather just go on a date with a girl who thinks I'm crazy". Oh. My. God. Who does that?! He actually prefers chasing tail over learning how to created awesome force fields.

But, anyway, it wasn't that bad. Just pointless. I'll admit it was a good time, it had mildly good-looking people, cool(ish) special effects and I had a nice bucket of popcorn to keep me busy during Nicolas Cage's ill-written monologues.

(Did anyone notice that in the poster Nicolas Cage's character is wearing the ring that, apparently, only the super-duper-ultra-elusive Prime Merlinian could wear? What's up with that? Silly Nicolas Cage... you're not the Prime Merlinian get that ring off your finger!)

Rating: Meh

Friday, 17 September 2010


I'm really excited about "Priest". The official genre is "futuristic superhero vampire western horror" and... I'm pretty sure that if someone found out a way to throw in there "zombie" too, the whole world would just collapse from the awesomeness. It'd be more effective than dividing by zero.

Apparently it's loosely based on a manhwa of the same name and its fanboys are already criticizing the hell out of it. The film is set to premiere in May of the next year and they're already trashing it. Seriously people? Are you trying to convince me that a film that stars Paul Bettany is going to suck? Because we all know that's not going to happen. Did you see him in "The DaVinci Code"? Did you? He made self-mortification seem hot. That's real talent right there. Who cares if it's not a hundred per cent exactly like the comic book? Do you see me bitching about the fourth Harry Potter movie? NO! Because it was awesome anyway! So shut your complain holes.

Stephen Moyer is in too (yes, vampire Bill from True Blood) which is good. I really like a very non-sexual way. He just seems like a nice person. I can still remember when he was a struggling actor playing a creepy stalker/pervert/mass-murderer on "Waking the Dead"...they grow up so fast.

So, anyway, here's the trailer. I particularly enjoyed the shuriken crosses.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Jezebel's DVD pick of the month: Whatever Works

(Yes, it used to be Jezebel's DVD pick of the week but I have other things to do, you know?)

What: Whatever Works

Who: Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson, Ed Begley Jr., Michael McKean, Henry Cavill.

When: June 25th

Mastermind: Woody Allen (in case you're wondering... mastermind means director)

I know this is getting a little repetitive but... I just don't get the T-Meter critics from Rotten Tomatoes. I really liked "Whatever Works". It's sharp, funny, witty and intelligent: a comedy for people who aren't soulless automatons and don't laugh at things you'd see in a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston. And still... the T-Meter Critics (also known as morons with zero or no intelligent input what so ever regarding films in general) didn't like it. It only got 49% positive reviews. But then I thought "well, maybe they just don't like Woody Allen anymore for that whole situation with his ex-wife's Asian adoptive daughter" but no, "Vicky Christina Barcelona" got 82% positive reviews (which is odd because it's rubbish).

(I really have to stop making a habit out of insulting T-Meter critics... it's not a very nice thing to do)

"Whatever works" is Woody Allen's return to smart comedies. Sure, the dramatic phase was nice, I liked "Scoop" and "Match Point" but by the time I got to" Cassandra's Dream" and "Vicky Christina Barcelona" I was bored out of my mind. After all, what's a Woody Allen film without a neurotic, borderline autistic, obsessive-compulsive character? I'll admit this film doesn't feature Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz making out or hunky Javier Bardem being hunky but it does have clever dialogues, witty one-lines such as "I see death by cultural shock" (go see the movie for context) and interesting characters like the up-tight southern midle-aged woman who ends up becoming an artist and sharing her bed with two other gentlemen.

So, yes, it's great in the sense only Woody Allen can be. Go watch it... like NOW.

Rating: Awesome!

Tuesday, 24 August 2010


As you can see (unless you're blind) I've been doing some renovations. I figured since I finally have readers (Portuguese readers mostly but readers nevertheless) I should replace the old ugly default template with a new one from the template designer thingy blogger has now.

Well I hope you like it. I was very disappointed there weren't any banana themed templates but I'm quite pleased with this one.

I'll also be posting more pictures and content from the films I review (the layout is a bit different so I can afford to do that). The upcoming posts will be at least a gazillion times awesomer than the previous ones.

So... that's it, people. Just don't forget to leave a comment or two every once in a while unless, of course, you enjoy having the death of cute baby seals weighing on your conscience.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

What is this I don't even...

What: The Expendables (such an appropriate tittle)

Who: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jake Gyllenhaal has NOTHING on this guy), Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke

When: August 13th

I love films where shooting at stuff makes it blow up, I really do. Actually, I think they're the only reason why the cinema was invented. People in the nineteenth century wanted to watch carriages crash into each other and explode so someone had to come up with a safe way to make that happen (in case you're wondering, this explanation is 100% historically accurate). I can assure you that no one pays good money to watch a film about eating and praying and... loving (must...fight...gag reflex...) in a room with a giant screen and surround sound.

However, as much as I love violent movies with really big guns and explosions fueled by sheer will-power, sometimes they take a wrong turn somewhere and turn out just awful. I believe that's what happened with "The Expendables". Judging by the trailer, one would assume it's a complete awesomefest but nooooo..."The Expendables" is a train wreck and not even the kind you can't stop looking at. It's the kind that's so bad you have to cover your eyes in terror when you pass by. I mean, they started off ok with the whole "blowing up people in half and hanging pirates" thing but it was downhill from there.

When I discovered the dialogues had been written by Stallone I wondered if he was any good at writing but, hey, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is... I shouldn't have. The man can't write to save his life. Sure, even dimwitted morons can come up with a half-decent script (where would Hollywood be now if they couldn't?) but, usually, they don't try to be very clever. They just toss out a linear story-line and call it a day. Stallone wants to have his cake and eat it too, he tries to be very dark and serious but then makes pathetic attempts to be funny that just come off as awkward and forced (yes, Jet Li is short... hardy har har... move along...). When it comes to action movies you're either really really serious and go all "Jason Bourne" on us or you don't and make stuff like Die Hard or The A-team. What you can't do is try to have it both ways.

However, the dialogues aren't the only bad thing in this movie. I can handle awful writing if it's kept to a minimum and if there's awesome fighting sequences to balance it out. But the thing is... the action scenes sucked big time. The blood was incredibly fake, the explosions were very... "meh" and I think they could have done a better job at stabbing Eric Roberts with a saber (I really really dislike Eric Roberts...).

The female characters were also ridiculous. Filmmaking people everywhere: if you're going to put annoying girls in action movies make sure they either end up dead or are mind boggling hot.

So...yeah, "The Expendables" is an awful film: bad writing, bad acting, bad action scenes, bad everything. Come on, it ended with Jason Statham reciting a very crappy Haiku-like thingy. How much worse can it get?

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Saturday, 7 August 2010

It's the A-team, bitches.

What: The A-team

Who: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson, Sharlto Copley, Quinton Jackson.

When: July 27th.

I don't understand the so-called critics who rate films over at "The A-Team" only got 48% positive reviews. But I guess that, when you read what the T-Meter critics have to say, everything gets a whole lot clearer: they just didn't get it, they didn't understand the film, not even a tiny bit. They call it vulgar, ordinary, disorienting and, my personal favourite, noisy (how, in the name of everything that is holy, can a film be noisy by its own? Maybe the cinema you went to just had the volume button turned up really really high, did you ever thought about that, mister movie critic?). Some people even said the plot was very confusing and that the whole film was so fast paced no one could understand it. Uh? Uh in the uh? How? It's an action movie, love. If you can't keep up with this kind of story-line, I suggest you start watching some Adam Sandler (or Ben Stiller) comedies.

But, hey, these are probably the same people who bashed "Where the wild things are" for having a sound-track full of overly obscure indie music (what were they expecting?).

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I can start reviewing the film properly. First of all, I really, really, REALLY liked it. I mean, it had awesome car/tank/airplane chases, explosions, likable characters (except for Jessica Biel's character, Hollywood just can't produce decent female characters, she was as annoying as a hyperactive poodle on crack), a semi-original story-line and funny dialogues. What more can a girl ask for? I think (I'm going out on a limb here) "The A-team" might just be the underrated film of the summer, the underdog, the retarded but adorable puppy, the... well, you see where I'm getting at.

I'm not saying "The A-team" is Oscar material. I'm not saying I'm going to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life". What I'm trying to say is: if a film does not have Paris-Hilton-level performances (I'll be damned, that girl can't act to save her life), a plot straight out of one of Uwe Boll's "creations" (poor guy... got mocked two reviews in a row) and the cheap feel of a bad spoof like "Epic Movie" then it should get positive reviews. It shouldn't get over-analysed and bashed because it's not a super deep psychodrama.

So, movie critics and people who enjoy talking about cinema in general, if you had fun, if the film didn't suck and if you didn't need popcorn to entertain yourself just... give it a thumbs up and shut your pie holes.

Rating: Awesome!

(N)ever again

It was brought to my attention that the assessments I make of the male gender actually contribute to my blog's charm and... popularity.

So, there you have it. I've officially reinstated foolish commentary on good-looking men. If you don't like it I'm sure IMDB has plenty of boring and witless reviews for you.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Prince of Persia

What: Prince of Persia: the Sands of Time

Who: Jake Gyllenhaal (Jesus on a cracker, that's a tough surname to spell), Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton

When: May 21st

This is an amazing film... it really is. You know why? Because it just teaches you so much. For example: did you know that Persians are actually British people in funny costumes? I had no idea but, apparently, it's true (or so the movie-making people think). I could swear Persians were Iranian but no sir, they're a hundred per cent British and proud of it.

But, apart from the poor characterization of the Persian people, the film was ok. It reminded me a lot of "Pirates of the Caribbean" but with sand... and horses instead of boats. However, as far as video-game inspired movies go, this one is not half bad (well, mainly because they managed to keep Uwe Boll away from it).

Anyway, Prince of Persia might not be a complete train wreck but it's not one of the best films of the summer. It tries to offer an intricate story-line but, apart from a minor plot-twist at the end, it's very predictable. It's just another one of those fun but incredibly dumb action movies. Sure, there's cool fighting scenes and good-looking people but the main characters aren't very likable and Jake Gyllenhaal's "now you see it now you don't" British accent is just plain ridiculous. Half way into the movie I found myself rooting for the hired assassin with the crazy-looking eyes who smoked a lot of weed and controlled snakes telepathically but, honestly, who can blame me? He had more personality than all the other characters combined, which, I might add, is not very difficult. I've seen dead badgers who are more original than any of them.

Personally, I like to think of "Prince of Persia" as a film about a young man with a disfunctional family who really enjoys parkour.

Rating: Meh +

Saturday, 3 July 2010

She's out of your league...or is she?

What: She's out of my league

Who: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve and bunch of other people.

When: March...ish (but I only saw it recently because know... jet lag or something)

First reaction: zohmygoodness! No, the movie wasn't that good (far from it) but Trevor Eve is in it! He's so awesome I wouldn't be surprised if he was carved from the same block of awesomeness that gave us Robert Downey Junior and all his... awesomeness?

Wikipedia told me that Trevor Eve is Alice Eve's father, which is rather curious since she also plays his daughter in the movie (I'm a sucker for this kind of... coincidence? Correspondence? Heck, I don't know what to call it).

So anyway, the film itself was... average. I feel like all the writers in Hollywood have given up on writing interesting and original stories and started coming up with really boring plots about everyday situations that, without random and rather vulgar comic reliefs, would put us all in a coma.

"She's out of my league" comes very close to be a film about two people in a completely normal relationship except throughout the whole thing everyone acts like Jay Baruchel's character is the ugliest bastard alive that shouldn't even be allowed to be around beautiful women because he might, I don't know, spontaneously combust or something. Besides I don't think Alice Eve is that hot, I mean, the way they were behaving, one would assume she's so insanely hot she actually kills people with her looks. But, come on, not even Megan Fox can do that and god knows how much she has tried...

So, yeah. No one should be bothered with this film, you shouldn't waiste a second of your time thinking about it. Just acknowledge it's out there and move one with or life (or, you know...don't), unless, of course, you really want to hear Trevor Eve talk with an American accent. In that case, knock yourself out. Although I have to warn you all: it's quite disturbing.

Rating: Meh

Friday, 18 June 2010

Jezebel's DVD pick of the week - Ninja Assassin

(Yeah, that's right! It's a new segment!)

Do you like 3D animated blood in large amounts? Do you like ninjas and assassins? Mildly attractive women? A linear but entertaining plot? If you answered yes to all these questions, "Ninja Assassin" might just be the movie for you.

Yes, "Ninja Assassin" is one of the awesomest movies ever. I mean, think about it: ninjas AND assassins (it's a bit redundant but, hey, I'm not complaining). The only way it could be better was if they threw in a couple of vampire zombies.

One of the reasons why I decided to watch "Ninja Assassin" was that, in most of its reviews, "gorefest" seemed to be the most repeated word. Honestly, people, who doesn't love mindless and often cartoonish violence?

So, "Ninja Assassin" is the tale of a very fit young man (I will make no further references to his looks, I promise, this is just an accurate description) who was trained by a super secret society of bad ass ninjas but, unfortunately, was later forced to go on the run after he decided he wasn't really into to the whole "butchering people for money" groove they had going on.

About this very toned main character I will say this: he might be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass. I'm serious people! This guy can do vertical push-ups on a bed of nails. Yes, vertical push-ups... on a bed of nails. Now Chuck Norris has to learn how to do back flips over a pit of fiery lava to keep up with the competition.

Rating: Oh yay!

Sunday, 6 June 2010

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Never again

It has come to my attention that I have the tendency to get sidetracked. Sometimes, instead of reviewing the films, I tend to review the people in them...if you see where I'm getting at.

So, I made a promise. And I intend to keep it.

Here it is:

I, Jezebel, will never ever ever EVER speak of unusually handsome individuals again for as long as I feel like it.

There you have it.

Friday, 9 April 2010

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?

And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Jezebel's Worst Movies of All Time - The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Hello there! This is a new...hmm... let's call it a segment and it's about the worst films I've ever seen (and yes, Jezebel is my real name, long story, you really don't want to hear it). Every month or so I'll be posting a little review about the worst damn movies EVER. You probably love a lot of these movies and will feel compelled to write nasty things on the comment section but, please, refrain from doing that (meh, who am I kidding? No one reads my blog).

So, I went to see Date Night (you'll get the review in a minute) and I suddenly remembered The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (because, you know, Steve Carell is in both of them) and how much I hated the bloody thing. Yes I know, I know, it got good reviews and pretty much everyone on this planet loved it but I didn't, so too bad!

Now, I'm not a prude or anything, but The 40-Year-Old-Virgin reminds me a lot of Jon Lajoie's sketch "Pointless Profanity", just not as funny. Seriously, I can recall several minutes of mindless, pointless and disgusting conversations that didn't add anything to the plot itself. Just the simple recollection of clips from the film makes me want to vomit, it made feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and got to a weird website about horse BDSM fetishism or something.

After I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I decided I was done with Steve Carell and that I would NEVER, EVER watch another movie with him, nor would I ever come within a twenty mile radius of one of Judd Apatow's films. Of course, I broke that promise because I saw Knocked up (hated it) and Don't Mess With the Zohan (blegh), which is something I regret deeply. However, over time, I've started to enjoy Steve Carell's work, I didn't mind Evan Almighty and I absolutely loved Little Miss Sunshine and Dan in Real life (so, if you want a good movie that stars Steve Carell, go for those and keep the hell away from The 40-Year-Old Virgin).

So, that's it for my first post about crappy movies. Actually, the first segment was going to be about Miami Vice, but I couldn't think of a single thing I would like to say about it, just... total emptiness...

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Alice in freaking Wonderland

What: Alice in Wonderland

Who: Johnny Depp (well, obviously), Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway and Alan Rickman

When: February 25

It's like a bad acid trip.

There, I said it.

Rating: Meh+

Sunday, 21 February 2010

The Wolfman

What: The Wolfman (well, duh)

Who: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving and Benicio del Toro

When: How the well should I know?

I don't like horror films. I really don't, I find them...illogical. Psychological thrillers and "stuff" like Saw and The Exorcist aren't my thing at all. I don't go to the movies to get the crap scared out of me, I go to the movies to have fun (which I don't have if I'm scared out of me mind), to enjoy myself and to watch abnormally good looking people engaging in awesome activities (such as head-chopping and flying). However, I do like pointless gore and werewolves (the kind that's not seventeen years old and constantly shirtless) and non-sparkling mythological creatures so I decided I really wanted to watch a film with some old school werewolves and, hopefully, lots of pointless violence.

Well, I saw the movie yesterday and I still don't know what to make of it. I mean, it was pretty awesome and I had a lot of fun. In one scene, Anthony Hopkins, in werewolf mode, attacks a policeman from behind and you can actually see his claws coming out of the man's mouth! (How cool is that?!). However, a lot more could be done with this film. I was hoping Lawrence (Benecio del Toro's character) and Gwen (Emily Blunt's character) would have some sexy time but they barely kissed. And that's just wrong, you can't have gore without sex (you just can't). I mean, teenagers under 16 aren't allowed in the cinema but apart from a few heads flying around there's nothing really inappropriate in it, there's nothing in it that would scar small children for life. I wanted something really shocking like bestiality or scenes so gruesome that made everyone nauseated enough to vomit all their popcorn.

Now, the story itself is not all bad, it's in a healthy medium, not too fancy, not too elaborate. The special effects are well, rather silly but all in all, fine. To be honest the whole film is just... ok. It's just a very large pile of "averageness", but it's good enough to give me hope! Hope that Twilight hasn't marked the end of cool monster movies.

(I just noticed something: Benicio del Toro has that "mildly attractive groove" going on, doesn't he?... good for him).

Rating: Meh

Friday, 5 February 2010

Number nine...number nine

(yes, it's a reference to The Beatles. Get over it)

What: Nine

Who: Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard (I sense I'm missing someone...) oh, that's right, Penelope Cruz

When: December...ish

Nine is probably the best bad movie ever. Confused? Well, allow me to explain: Nine is a terrific theory. It has a great cast, it's inspired by a semi autobiographical film by Frederico Fellini and...well, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, how could it go wrong? But, oh dear, something terrible happened, I can't tell you exactly what, but it was very very bad.

I really don't know if it was the director or some whiny producer... but Nine, instead of being a timeless movie is just...well... the biggest pile of baloney I've ever watched (not as bad as Miami Vice...but then again, what is?). Seriously, it's really bad. The whole movie is entirely made by clips of random hot women throwing themselves at Daniel Day Lewis's character, Guido (despite his greasy hair, I don't think he showered the whole movie). No, really. You can't watch five minutes of the film without some random attractive stranger trying to dry hump him.

There's another thing I don't get, the movie making people hired actresses like Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Fergie for a gazillion dollars (oh and Penelope Cruz, I geep forgetting her for some reason) and then each one gets 5 minutes on screen (and, for some reason, they made Fergie eat a ridiculous amount of cheesecake). I have to say, I was expecting a lot more. Not even the songs were good, they sounded all the same to me.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of musicals but I think they can be fun, I liked Sweeney Todd (meh, who didn't) and I even thought Chicago (which is from the same guy who made Nine) was alright, but Nine is just painful to watch. People, don't do this to yourselves. Do something more productive with your time, like...milking a cow or something.

However, I have the strange feeling you're not getting how bad this film actually is, so let me try to put this layman's terms: Nine is so bad it makes yawns yawn, it is so crappy that not even the random hot priest in the begging of the movie made it worth watching! (And I enjoy hot catholic priests more than the average woman).

That's how bad Nine is.

Rating: Load of crap (craptacular, I would say)

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Faith in Mankind? I have none.

People are getting depressed after watching Avatar.

Have you seen this, have you heard about this? Yup, that's right, depressed...some of them even attempted suicide.

Let's get something straight. I get sucked in too, I love Harry Potter movies. I mean, really, I LOVE THEM, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! I must have read the books three times each and I really like the characters but I do not get depressed after watching the films and certainly don't feel the need to commit suicide. The first part of the last film is being released this year and I don't feel the least bit sad, I'm actually very excited.

I mean, come on, how stupid can you be? First of all, the film wasn't that great and then, if Pandora actually existed, would you really want to live there? Think about it, it's a hostile environment, with crazy alien panthers, hammerhead rhinoceroses and only god knows what kind of weird diseases you would catch over there. I'm also going to assume these people are how would you survive five minutes without twitting (am I "saying" it right? Probably not... maybe it's twittering...) or updating your facebook status?

But the REALLY sad thing is that none of the people that attemped suicide actually died.

Darwin wouldn't be very proud.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Revenge of the Smurfs

(I know, I know, the whole "smurf joke" is getting old. Well, too bad, I LIKE IT)

What: Avatar (in 3-D, not that's very relevant)

Who: Sam Worthington, Zoe SaldaƱa, Michelle Rodriguez, Sigourney Weaver, Joel David Moore (oh, he's pretty).

When: December 18th ... ish

Jeez... Avatar is getting everyone's panties in a knot, isn't it? People are going crazy for the bloody thing and, frankly, I don't get it. It's going to become a GINORMOUS blockbuster just like Titanic (crappy crappy crappy, just the thought of it makes me want to go into a coma) and I found it rather boring. Sure, it's shiny (really shiny, if you haven't seen it prepare yourself for ultimate shininess!), I'll give you that but apart from having amazing special effects it really isn't all that. I like to describe it as a big bright blue yawn.

Seriously, it's the oldest story in the world: paraplegic human boy meets alien chick, human boy and alien chick fall and love and have sexy time under a talking tree, human boy saves alien chick's planet from being blown up and everyone lives happily ever after... tah dah! Choose a Disney movie, throw in a few blue people and a wheel chair and BOOM you've got Avatar!
About the whole 3-D experience...yeeahh... I didn't care for it. Sure, it was fun... for the first 10 minutes but after that...bleh. They (the evil cinema people) charged me a few extra pounds for that?! A few, occasional, floating specks of...well... cosmic shmut?! (it has to be italicized because I'm not even sure that's a real word) No thank you, I like my boys submissive, my steak well done and my movies flat! (no giant Sam Worthington head popping out of the screen for me, you can keep it).

The film is incredibly predictable, it's just a really big pile of everything cliche. You know what I would like to see in Avatar? Joel David Moore's character get some. I'm serious, I'm not just saying this because I think he's...well...rather good looking but because I would really like to see a geeky character in a motion picture getting laid (well, at least a geeky character that is not played by Michael Cera). Yeah, instead of a brutish marine I would really enjoy watching a skinny scientist save the day (or, at least, get the girl). I'm telling you, hunky marines don't get very far, it's really skinny socially awkward scientists that make the world move forward.

And, do you know what a rather intelligent individual said about Avatar on Rotten Tomatoes?! Well, let me be the one to tell you! He said, and I quote: "(Avatar) Alternates between a slurry Marc Franz impressionism and the most elaborate Thundercats episode ever made." I could not agree more.

Maybe I'm being mean. It was a good time, mildly entertaining and all but...meh... I don't know, I guess I got my hopes up. I was expecting to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life" but it fell short. But, hey, the movie was very successful! You know what that means? It means there's going to be not one but two sequels! Imagine that... two even shinier sequels I can trash...

With that being said, you know what's Avatar's rating on Rotten Tomatoes? 82%! (What kind of crack house are they running over there?!)

Rating: Meh +