Sunday, 21 June 2009

Get me the Winchester brothers on the phone, we have a problem

What: Twilight (book)

Who: Stephanie Meyer

When: 2005

Well, apparently I'm going to review a book after all... You probably can't tell from the title but I'm going to write about Twilight, I was tired of all my friends telling me to read the book so I decided to borrow it from the local library (I refused to give a cent of my money to Stephanie Meyer, I think she has enough as it is) and finished it a few days ago.

For the last few months the world has been obsessing over this pseudo vampire/human forbidden love story , people just can't over it, some love it, others hate it, teenage girls and their mothers act like their lives depend on the next sequel. When will it stop?!

So, what can I say about Twilight? Well, first I have to admit... I didn't like it. I'm sorry, I really didn't. I thought it was a mediocre book, not worthy of all the attention it's egetting. There's probably a gazillion really talented but obscure writers banging their heads into a wall yelling "WHY?! WHY?!" right now (poor things...).

You probably know this by now but the plot is about a really plain, uninteresting, not very bright young woman called Isabella Swan who pretty much hates everything (hates the rain, hates the snow, hates getting a lot of male attention, hates not getting a lot of male attention, hates, hates, hates, hates...) that falls in love with a good looking (but slightly stalker) vampire with incredible diction.

The first... I don't know... two hundred hundred pages describe the young girl's struggle to understand why her hunky but odd looking classmate doesn't seem to like her. Later in the book he finally admits that he liked her but he acted all weird around her because he really wanted to suck her blood (apparently she smells really good), Bella's reaction to this affirmation is "Hmm, ok!". Edward (the vampire) also tells her that he sat outside her house at night watching her sleep, again, Bella's reaction is "Hmm, ok!" (because it's only alright to be a creepy stalker if you're good looking). The book's characters are just terrible, really, Bella doesn't seem to have a life of her own, she's really pathetic. If natural selection worked like it used to, Bella would die a few days after being born. She spends most of her time tripping, falling, collapsing and feeling sick to her stomach (I think she has a brain tumor but that's just me...) and, besides, she has no sense of self preservation, when her pseudo-boyfriend tells her that went through the "Actually, I prefer eating people" phase Bella's reaction is (yup, you guessed it) "Hmm, ok" (because they're, like, totally in love, so it's fine).

I guess that the idea of an unbelievably good looking guy falling in love with an average looking girl is reassuring to teenagers but...come on guys, seriously? Are girls so insecure that they find dating their stalkers romantic?! All this true love, soul mate, I-can't-live-without-you thing is really getting old and the saddest thing is that teenage girls are still eating it up. There's no such thing as love at first sight and "I'll die for you" isn't real, people rescue themselves, not their boyfriends. Are we clear?

And then, there's the sparkling issue. Apparently, in Stephenie Meyer's book, vampires, when exposed to the sun, sparkle. Isn't that precious?... I'm a really big vampire/monster fan, I love that stuff. In my opinion Supernatural's version of the vampire myth is the best. Shows like Supernatural or Buffy make vampires look cool, with their super strenght and speed, their badass teeth and attitude. But sparkling? Not so much...

Oh, and before you pick up that copy of Twilight to read it for the seventh time, why don't you consider reading something like... Kafka or, if you're really into novels and romance, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina? It will only do you good.

Rating: Pretty crappy

Sunday, 14 June 2009

Terminator Salvation

What: Terminator Salvation

Who: Christian Bale, Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Worthington

When: May-June 2009

Looks like I'm going to start with Terminator Salvation. Well, apparently Terminator was the next franchise (after Batman) to be rescued heroically by Mr. Christian Bale. He's been busy, hasn't he?. He's even going to be in a movie with Johnny Depp (that's really awesome, even for a guy).

Anyway, this time he plays John Connor (which was just a kid in the last two movies but is now all grown up and pretty), son of Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese and super tough leader of the human resistance against the evil blood thirsty machines who have, basically, taken over the world.

So, in this film, the plot revolves mostly around finding Kyle Reese (which is a teenager. Oh, and don't worry, they eventually find him) so John Connor (his son, that's actually older than him. Wow, is that messed up or what?) can send him back in time to have sex with Sarah Connor (John Connor's mother) so John Connor can exist and save all mankind in the future (like he's doing right now). Confused? So am I. Don't worry about it, I'm guessing it's a normal reaction. The time line is not very coherent. Apart from this tiny, insignificant detail I really liked the film. I'm not saying it's a really deep, emotional and life changing movie, it's just good fun.

The special effects are WOWWOW! Yup, they're THAT awesome. I liked the plot a lot too, what's not to like in a film with cute (but sensitive) guys, a large amount of ass kicking scenes and mean looking machines? I do not know... I must disagree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, only 33% of the reviews were positive! What's wrong with you people?! Seriously?!

Rating: Oh yay!

So... that's about it. I hope it doesn't suck too much for my first review.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Well, hello there!

Well hello, fellow bloggers! My name is Jezebel and this is my blog!

You'll find here mostly movie reviews, reviewing books and music just isn't as fun.
I can't review every single movie that comes out, after all, I'm not made of money. I can't go to the cinema everyday but I'll do my best to keep this blog updated and with all the major films reviewed.

I also have a very unique (and extremely accurate) rating system:

0% - 20% --> Load of crap

20% - 50% --> Pretty crappy

50% - 65% --> Meh

65% - 75% --> Meh +

75% - 85% --> Oh yay!

85% - 99% --> Awesome!

100% --> Insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life

Well, that's about it, let's start the show!