Awesome sauce

ZOHMYGOODNESS! Have you seen it?! HAVE YOU SEEN IT, GOD DAMMIT?! It's...it's beautiful...

It looks absolutly amazing... I want it... NOW!

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

What: The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Who: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina, Teresa Palmer

When: July 14th

Mastermind: Jon Turtletaub

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is average... painfully average. It's...irrelevant. Sure, it's shinny, I mean, not Avatar shinny but it's ok. The special effects are pretty cool but, lets be honest, no one cares. Seriously, would you go to the cinema to watch Harry Potter's retarded third cousin who may or may not be slightly inbred? No, you wouldn't. Why? Because there's already an awesome wizard franchise out there and no one can pull a Harry Potter ("I'm a sorcerer?! But I'm just a normal and awkward little boy! Surely it can't be!" It's been done, love) apart from Harry Potter himself. One might try to argue that this film was based on a poem by Paul Dukas and that there's no sorcery school but it just feels... derivative.

The actors didn't help either. Jay Baruchel has fallen in the Michael Cera trap: he plays himself in every film. We get it, he's awkward, he's very pale, he's skinny, he has a high-pitched voice, he's a nerd/geek/dork, he gets the girl, blah blah blah. Seen it all before. And it's not only that, he's constantly bitching and moaning. "Oh, no thanks Mr. Magician Man, I don't want to have awesome super powers and shoot lighting out of my hands, no, sorry, don't want to save the world either. I'd rather just go on a date with a girl who thinks I'm crazy". Oh. My. God. Who does that?! He actually prefers chasing tail over learning how to created awesome force fields.

But, anyway, it wasn't that bad. Just pointless. I'll admit it was a good time, it had mildly good-looking people, cool(ish) special effects and I had a nice bucket of popcorn to keep me busy during Nicolas Cage's ill-written monologues.

(Did anyone notice that in the poster Nicolas Cage's character is wearing the ring that, apparently, only the super-duper-ultra-elusive Prime Merlinian could wear? What's up with that? Silly Nicolas Cage... you're not the Prime Merlinian get that ring off your finger!)

Rating: Meh

Priest

I'm really excited about "Priest". The official genre is "futuristic superhero vampire western horror" and... I'm pretty sure that if someone found out a way to throw in there "zombie" too, the whole world would just collapse from the awesomeness. It'd be more effective than dividing by zero.

Apparently it's loosely based on a manhwa of the same name and its fanboys are already criticizing the hell out of it. The film is set to premiere in May of the next year and they're already trashing it. Seriously people? Are you trying to convince me that a film that stars Paul Bettany is going to suck? Because we all know that's not going to happen. Did you see him in "The DaVinci Code"? Did you? He made self-mortification seem hot. That's real talent right there. Who cares if it's not a hundred per cent exactly like the comic book? Do you see me bitching about the fourth Harry Potter movie? NO! Because it was awesome anyway! So shut your complain holes.

Stephen Moyer is in too (yes, vampire Bill from True Blood) which is good. I really like him...in a very non-sexual way. He just seems like a nice person. I can still remember when he was a struggling actor playing a creepy stalker/pervert/mass-murderer on "Waking the Dead"...they grow up so fast.

So, anyway, here's the trailer. I particularly enjoyed the shuriken crosses.

Jezebel's DVD pick of the month: Whatever Works

(Yes, it used to be Jezebel's DVD pick of the week but I have other things to do, you know?)

What: Whatever Works

Who: Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson, Ed Begley Jr., Michael McKean, Henry Cavill.

When: June 25th

Mastermind: Woody Allen (in case you're wondering... mastermind means director)


I know this is getting a little repetitive but... I just don't get the T-Meter critics from Rotten Tomatoes. I really liked "Whatever Works". It's sharp, funny, witty and intelligent: a comedy for people who aren't soulless automatons and don't laugh at things you'd see in a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston. And still... the T-Meter Critics (also known as morons with zero or no intelligent input what so ever regarding films in general) didn't like it. It only got 49% positive reviews. But then I thought "well, maybe they just don't like Woody Allen anymore for that whole situation with his ex-wife's Asian adoptive daughter" but no, "Vicky Christina Barcelona" got 82% positive reviews (which is odd because it's rubbish).

(I really have to stop making a habit out of insulting T-Meter critics... it's not a very nice thing to do)

"Whatever works" is Woody Allen's return to smart comedies. Sure, the dramatic phase was nice, I liked "Scoop" and "Match Point" but by the time I got to" Cassandra's Dream" and "Vicky Christina Barcelona" I was bored out of my mind. After all, what's a Woody Allen film without a neurotic, borderline autistic, obsessive-compulsive character? I'll admit this film doesn't feature Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz making out or hunky Javier Bardem being hunky but it does have clever dialogues, witty one-lines such as "I see death by cultural shock" (go see the movie for context) and interesting characters like the up-tight southern midle-aged woman who ends up becoming an artist and sharing her bed with two other gentlemen.

So, yes, it's great in the sense only Woody Allen can be. Go watch it... like NOW.

Rating: Awesome!

Changes!

As you can see (unless you're blind) I've been doing some renovations. I figured since I finally have readers (Portuguese readers mostly but readers nevertheless) I should replace the old ugly default template with a new one from the template designer thingy blogger has now.

Well I hope you like it. I was very disappointed there weren't any banana themed templates but I'm quite pleased with this one.

I'll also be posting more pictures and content from the films I review (the layout is a bit different so I can afford to do that). The upcoming posts will be at least a gazillion times awesomer than the previous ones.

So... that's it, people. Just don't forget to leave a comment or two every once in a while unless, of course, you enjoy having the death of cute baby seals weighing on your conscience.

What is this I don't even...

What: The Expendables (such an appropriate tittle)

Who: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jake Gyllenhaal has NOTHING on this guy), Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke

When: August 13th

I love films where shooting at stuff makes it blow up, I really do. Actually, I think they're the only reason why the cinema was invented. People in the nineteenth century wanted to watch carriages crash into each other and explode so someone had to come up with a safe way to make that happen (in case you're wondering, this explanation is 100% historically accurate). I can assure you that no one pays good money to watch a film about eating and praying and... loving (must...fight...gag reflex...) in a room with a giant screen and surround sound.

However, as much as I love violent movies with really big guns and explosions fueled by sheer will-power, sometimes they take a wrong turn somewhere and turn out just awful. I believe that's what happened with "The Expendables". Judging by the trailer, one would assume it's a complete awesomefest but nooooo..."The Expendables" is a train wreck and not even the kind you can't stop looking at. It's the kind that's so bad you have to cover your eyes in terror when you pass by. I mean, they started off ok with the whole "blowing up people in half and hanging pirates" thing but it was downhill from there.

When I discovered the dialogues had been written by Stallone I wondered if he was any good at writing but, hey, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is... I shouldn't have. The man can't write to save his life. Sure, even dimwitted morons can come up with a half-decent script (where would Hollywood be now if they couldn't?) but, usually, they don't try to be very clever. They just toss out a linear story-line and call it a day. Stallone wants to have his cake and eat it too, he tries to be very dark and serious but then makes pathetic attempts to be funny that just come off as awkward and forced (yes, Jet Li is short... hardy har har... move along...). When it comes to action movies you're either really really serious and go all "Jason Bourne" on us or you don't and make stuff like Die Hard or The A-team. What you can't do is try to have it both ways.

However, the dialogues aren't the only bad thing in this movie. I can handle awful writing if it's kept to a minimum and if there's awesome fighting sequences to balance it out. But the thing is... the action scenes sucked big time. The blood was incredibly fake, the explosions were very... "meh" and I think they could have done a better job at stabbing Eric Roberts with a saber (I really really dislike Eric Roberts...).

The female characters were also ridiculous. Filmmaking people everywhere: if you're going to put annoying girls in action movies make sure they either end up dead or are mind boggling hot.

So...yeah, "The Expendables" is an awful film: bad writing, bad acting, bad action scenes, bad everything. Come on, it ended with Jason Statham reciting a very crappy Haiku-like thingy. How much worse can it get?

Rating: Pretty Crappy

It's the A-team, bitches.

What: The A-team

Who: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson, Sharlto Copley, Quinton Jackson.

When: July 27th.

I don't understand the so-called critics who rate films over at rottentomatoes.com. "The A-Team" only got 48% positive reviews. But I guess that, when you read what the T-Meter critics have to say, everything gets a whole lot clearer: they just didn't get it, they didn't understand the film, not even a tiny bit. They call it vulgar, ordinary, disorienting and, my personal favourite, noisy (how, in the name of everything that is holy, can a film be noisy by its own? Maybe the cinema you went to just had the volume button turned up really really high, did you ever thought about that, mister movie critic?). Some people even said the plot was very confusing and that the whole film was so fast paced no one could understand it. Uh? Uh in the uh? How? It's an action movie, love. If you can't keep up with this kind of story-line, I suggest you start watching some Adam Sandler (or Ben Stiller) comedies.

But, hey, these are probably the same people who bashed "Where the wild things are" for having a sound-track full of overly obscure indie music (what were they expecting?).

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I can start reviewing the film properly. First of all, I really, really, REALLY liked it. I mean, it had awesome car/tank/airplane chases, explosions, likable characters (except for Jessica Biel's character, Hollywood just can't produce decent female characters, she was as annoying as a hyperactive poodle on crack), a semi-original story-line and funny dialogues. What more can a girl ask for? I think (I'm going out on a limb here) "The A-team" might just be the underrated film of the summer, the underdog, the retarded but adorable puppy, the... well, you see where I'm getting at.

I'm not saying "The A-team" is Oscar material. I'm not saying I'm going to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life". What I'm trying to say is: if a film does not have Paris-Hilton-level performances (I'll be damned, that girl can't act to save her life), a plot straight out of one of Uwe Boll's "creations" (poor guy... got mocked two reviews in a row) and the cheap feel of a bad spoof like "Epic Movie" then it should get positive reviews. It shouldn't get over-analysed and bashed because it's not a super deep psychodrama.

So, movie critics and people who enjoy talking about cinema in general, if you had fun, if the film didn't suck and if you didn't need popcorn to entertain yourself just... give it a thumbs up and shut your pie holes.

Rating: Awesome!