She's out of your league...or is she?

What: She's out of my league

Who: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve and bunch of other people.

When: March...ish (but I only saw it recently because of...you know... jet lag or something)

First reaction: zohmygoodness! No, the movie wasn't that good (far from it) but Trevor Eve is in it! He's so awesome I wouldn't be surprised if he was carved from the same block of awesomeness that gave us Robert Downey Junior and all his... awesomeness?

Wikipedia told me that Trevor Eve is Alice Eve's father, which is rather curious since she also plays his daughter in the movie (I'm a sucker for this kind of... coincidence? Correspondence? Heck, I don't know what to call it).

So anyway, the film itself was... average. I feel like all the writers in Hollywood have given up on writing interesting and original stories and started coming up with really boring plots about everyday situations that, without random and rather vulgar comic reliefs, would put us all in a coma.

"She's out of my league" comes very close to be a film about two people in a completely normal relationship except throughout the whole thing everyone acts like Jay Baruchel's character is the ugliest bastard alive that shouldn't even be allowed to be around beautiful women because he might, I don't know, spontaneously combust or something. Besides I don't think Alice Eve is that hot, I mean, the way they were behaving, one would assume she's so insanely hot she actually kills people with her looks. But, come on, not even Megan Fox can do that and god knows how much she has tried...

So, yeah. No one should be bothered with this film, you shouldn't waiste a second of your time thinking about it. Just acknowledge it's out there and move one with or life (or, you know...don't), unless, of course, you really want to hear Trevor Eve talk with an American accent. In that case, knock yourself out. Although I have to warn you all: it's quite disturbing.

Rating: Meh

Jezebel's DVD pick of the week - Ninja Assassin

(Yeah, that's right! It's a new segment!)

Do you like 3D animated blood in large amounts? Do you like ninjas and assassins? Mildly attractive women? A linear but entertaining plot? If you answered yes to all these questions, "Ninja Assassin" might just be the movie for you.

Yes, "Ninja Assassin" is one of the awesomest movies ever. I mean, think about it: ninjas AND assassins (it's a bit redundant but, hey, I'm not complaining). The only way it could be better was if they threw in a couple of vampire zombies.

One of the reasons why I decided to watch "Ninja Assassin" was that, in most of its reviews, "gorefest" seemed to be the most repeated word. Honestly, people, who doesn't love mindless and often cartoonish violence?

So, "Ninja Assassin" is the tale of a very fit young man (I will make no further references to his looks, I promise, this is just an accurate description) who was trained by a super secret society of bad ass ninjas but, unfortunately, was later forced to go on the run after he decided he wasn't really into to the whole "butchering people for money" groove they had going on.

About this very toned main character I will say this: he might be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass. I'm serious people! This guy can do vertical push-ups on a bed of nails. Yes, vertical push-ups... on a bed of nails. Now Chuck Norris has to learn how to do back flips over a pit of fiery lava to keep up with the competition.

Rating: Oh yay!

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Never again

It has come to my attention that I have the tendency to get sidetracked. Sometimes, instead of reviewing the films, I tend to review the people in them...if you see where I'm getting at.

So, I made a promise. And I intend to keep it.

Here it is:

I, Jezebel, will never ever ever EVER speak of unusually handsome individuals again for as long as I feel like it.

There you have it.

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?



And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Jezebel's Worst Movies of All Time - The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Hello there! This is a new...hmm... let's call it a segment and it's about the worst films I've ever seen (and yes, Jezebel is my real name, long story, you really don't want to hear it). Every month or so I'll be posting a little review about the worst damn movies EVER. You probably love a lot of these movies and will feel compelled to write nasty things on the comment section but, please, refrain from doing that (meh, who am I kidding? No one reads my blog).



So, I went to see Date Night (you'll get the review in a minute) and I suddenly remembered The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (because, you know, Steve Carell is in both of them) and how much I hated the bloody thing. Yes I know, I know, it got good reviews and pretty much everyone on this planet loved it but I didn't, so too bad!



Now, I'm not a prude or anything, but The 40-Year-Old-Virgin reminds me a lot of Jon Lajoie's sketch "Pointless Profanity", just not as funny. Seriously, I can recall several minutes of mindless, pointless and disgusting conversations that didn't add anything to the plot itself. Just the simple recollection of clips from the film makes me want to vomit, it made feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and got to a weird website about horse BDSM fetishism or something.


After I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I decided I was done with Steve Carell and that I would NEVER, EVER watch another movie with him, nor would I ever come within a twenty mile radius of one of Judd Apatow's films. Of course, I broke that promise because I saw Knocked up (hated it) and Don't Mess With the Zohan (blegh), which is something I regret deeply. However, over time, I've started to enjoy Steve Carell's work, I didn't mind Evan Almighty and I absolutely loved Little Miss Sunshine and Dan in Real life (so, if you want a good movie that stars Steve Carell, go for those and keep the hell away from The 40-Year-Old Virgin).


So, that's it for my first post about crappy movies. Actually, the first segment was going to be about Miami Vice, but I couldn't think of a single thing I would like to say about it, just... total emptiness...

Alice in freaking Wonderland

What: Alice in Wonderland



Who: Johnny Depp (well, obviously), Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway and Alan Rickman



When: February 25





It's like a bad acid trip.





There, I said it.





Rating: Meh+