The Wolfman

What: The Wolfman (well, duh)


Who: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving and Benicio del Toro


When: How the well should I know?


I don't like horror films. I really don't, I find them...illogical. Psychological thrillers and "stuff" like Saw and The Exorcist aren't my thing at all. I don't go to the movies to get the crap scared out of me, I go to the movies to have fun (which I don't have if I'm scared out of me mind), to enjoy myself and to watch abnormally good looking people engaging in awesome activities (such as head-chopping and flying). However, I do like pointless gore and werewolves (the kind that's not seventeen years old and constantly shirtless) and non-sparkling mythological creatures so I decided I really wanted to watch a film with some old school werewolves and, hopefully, lots of pointless violence.


Well, I saw the movie yesterday and I still don't know what to make of it. I mean, it was pretty awesome and I had a lot of fun. In one scene, Anthony Hopkins, in werewolf mode, attacks a policeman from behind and you can actually see his claws coming out of the man's mouth! (How cool is that?!). However, a lot more could be done with this film. I was hoping Lawrence (Benecio del Toro's character) and Gwen (Emily Blunt's character) would have some sexy time but they barely kissed. And that's just wrong, you can't have gore without sex (you just can't). I mean, teenagers under 16 aren't allowed in the cinema but apart from a few heads flying around there's nothing really inappropriate in it, there's nothing in it that would scar small children for life. I wanted something really shocking like bestiality or scenes so gruesome that made everyone nauseated enough to vomit all their popcorn.



Now, the story itself is not all bad, it's in a healthy medium, not too fancy, not too elaborate. The special effects are well, rather silly but all in all, fine. To be honest the whole film is just... ok. It's just a very large pile of "averageness", but it's good enough to give me hope! Hope that Twilight hasn't marked the end of cool monster movies.

(I just noticed something: Benicio del Toro has that "mildly attractive groove" going on, doesn't he?... good for him).

Rating: Meh

Number nine...number nine

(yes, it's a reference to The Beatles. Get over it)

What: Nine

Who: Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard (I sense I'm missing someone...) oh, that's right, Penelope Cruz

When: December...ish

Nine is probably the best bad movie ever. Confused? Well, allow me to explain: Nine is a terrific movie...in theory. It has a great cast, it's inspired by a semi autobiographical film by Frederico Fellini and...well, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, how could it go wrong? But, oh dear, something terrible happened, I can't tell you exactly what, but it was very very bad.

I really don't know if it was the director or some whiny producer... but Nine, instead of being a timeless movie is just...well... the biggest pile of baloney I've ever watched (not as bad as Miami Vice...but then again, what is?). Seriously, it's really bad. The whole movie is entirely made by clips of random hot women throwing themselves at Daniel Day Lewis's character, Guido (despite his greasy hair, I don't think he showered the whole movie). No, really. You can't watch five minutes of the film without some random attractive stranger trying to dry hump him.

There's another thing I don't get, the movie making people hired actresses like Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Fergie for a gazillion dollars (oh and Penelope Cruz, I geep forgetting her for some reason) and then each one gets 5 minutes on screen (and, for some reason, they made Fergie eat a ridiculous amount of cheesecake). I have to say, I was expecting a lot more. Not even the songs were good, they sounded all the same to me.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of musicals but I think they can be fun, I liked Sweeney Todd (meh, who didn't) and I even thought Chicago (which is from the same guy who made Nine) was alright, but Nine is just painful to watch. People, don't do this to yourselves. Do something more productive with your time, like...milking a cow or something.

However, I have the strange feeling you're not getting how bad this film actually is, so let me try to put this layman's terms: Nine is so bad it makes yawns yawn, it is so crappy that not even the random hot priest in the begging of the movie made it worth watching! (And I enjoy hot catholic priests more than the average woman).

That's how bad Nine is.

Rating: Load of crap (craptacular, I would say)

Faith in Mankind? I have none.

People are getting depressed after watching Avatar.

Have you seen this, have you heard about this? Yup, that's right, depressed...some of them even attempted suicide.

Let's get something straight. I get sucked in too, I love Harry Potter movies. I mean, really, I LOVE THEM, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM! I must have read the books three times each and I really like the characters but I do not get depressed after watching the films and certainly don't feel the need to commit suicide. The first part of the last film is being released this year and I don't feel the least bit sad, I'm actually very excited.

I mean, come on, how stupid can you be? First of all, the film wasn't that great and then, if Pandora actually existed, would you really want to live there? Think about it, it's a hostile environment, with crazy alien panthers, hammerhead rhinoceroses and only god knows what kind of weird diseases you would catch over there. I'm also going to assume these people are Americans...so... how would you survive five minutes without twitting (am I "saying" it right? Probably not... maybe it's twittering...) or updating your facebook status?

But the REALLY sad thing is that none of the people that attemped suicide actually died.

Darwin wouldn't be very proud.

Revenge of the Smurfs

(I know, I know, the whole "smurf joke" is getting old. Well, too bad, I LIKE IT)



What: Avatar (in 3-D, not that's very relevant)


Who: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldaña, Michelle Rodriguez, Sigourney Weaver, Joel David Moore (oh, he's pretty).


When: December 18th ... ish


Jeez... Avatar is getting everyone's panties in a knot, isn't it? People are going crazy for the bloody thing and, frankly, I don't get it. It's going to become a GINORMOUS blockbuster just like Titanic (crappy crappy crappy, just the thought of it makes me want to go into a coma) and I found it rather boring. Sure, it's shiny (really shiny, if you haven't seen it prepare yourself for ultimate shininess!), I'll give you that but apart from having amazing special effects it really isn't all that. I like to describe it as a big bright blue yawn.

Seriously, it's the oldest story in the world: paraplegic human boy meets alien chick, human boy and alien chick fall and love and have sexy time under a talking tree, human boy saves alien chick's planet from being blown up and everyone lives happily ever after... tah dah! Choose a Disney movie, throw in a few blue people and a wheel chair and BOOM you've got Avatar!
About the whole 3-D experience...yeeahh... I didn't care for it. Sure, it was fun... for the first 10 minutes but after that...bleh. They (the evil cinema people) charged me a few extra pounds for that?! A few, occasional, floating specks of...well... cosmic shmut?! (it has to be italicized because I'm not even sure that's a real word) No thank you, I like my boys submissive, my steak well done and my movies flat! (no giant Sam Worthington head popping out of the screen for me, you can keep it).

The film is incredibly predictable, it's just a really big pile of everything cliche. You know what I would like to see in Avatar? Joel David Moore's character get some. I'm serious, I'm not just saying this because I think he's...well...rather good looking but because I would really like to see a geeky character in a motion picture getting laid (well, at least a geeky character that is not played by Michael Cera). Yeah, instead of a brutish marine I would really enjoy watching a skinny scientist save the day (or, at least, get the girl). I'm telling you, hunky marines don't get very far, it's really skinny socially awkward scientists that make the world move forward.

And, do you know what a rather intelligent individual said about Avatar on Rotten Tomatoes?! Well, let me be the one to tell you! He said, and I quote: "(Avatar) Alternates between a slurry Marc Franz impressionism and the most elaborate Thundercats episode ever made." I could not agree more.

Maybe I'm being mean. It was a good time, mildly entertaining and all but...meh... I don't know, I guess I got my hopes up. I was expecting to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life" but it fell short. But, hey, the movie was very successful! You know what that means? It means there's going to be not one but two sequels! Imagine that... two even shinier sequels I can trash...

With that being said, you know what's Avatar's rating on Rotten Tomatoes? 82%! (What kind of crack house are they running over there?!)

Rating: Meh +

Pretty Robert Downey Junior is pretty

(seriously, being that good-looking must hurt... A LOT)

What: Sherlock Holmes

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior oh, and Jude Law, Rachel MacAdams and some other guy called Mark Strong

When: December 26th

I have a question for you, my non-existent followers, what's better than Robert Downey Junior? No, the answer is not "nothing" (smart asses), the correct answer is "Robert Downey Junior with a British accent" (oh... how I like Robert Downey Junior... *sigh*)

I saw Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes last night and I really liked it. I mean, come on, what could go wrong? First of all, it's a Guy Ritchie film (Snatch is absolutely hilarious) and then...Robert Downey Junior plays the lead character. I also liked the way England is portrayed, it doesn't have a squeaky clean image with gorgeous people running around (apart from Robert Downey Junior of course) in impeccable outfits and great diction, no, no, it's all very dirty, with ugly people, filthy streets and rats (lots of them), you can almost smell it.
I also liked Jude Law as Watson (although I stand by my belief that he's just a bad version of Ewan Macgregor). Oh... and Sherlock Holmes? Don't get me started on him! He was like a CSI, a scientist and a detective, all wrapped in a gorgeous, eloquent, scruffy and toned package... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?... Oh right, hum... so the story revolves a super evil villain (Mark Strong) with pseudo-supernatural powers, his alleged resurrection and a lot of ass-kicking (I'm not going to spoil the movie for you, just go to the movies and enjoy yourself)
So that's about it, it's an amazing film (I think the movie critics at Rotten Tomatoes are a bunch of stuck-up snobs: 48%, really? Are you on crack?), really entertaining, funny and full of mystery. I advise everyone to go see it, especially teenage girls...even if it's just to see what a real man looks like.


Oh, and I have one last question (it's a tricky one): What's better than Robert Downey Junior with a British accent?... Robert Downey Junior speaking french (which he does...in the movie...you should really go see it)

Rating: Awesome!

You basterds!

What: Inglourious Basterds


Who: Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Cristoph Waltz, Diane Kruger.


Sure, but who directed it? Who?! Director/writer: Quentin Tarantino


When: August 2009

I went to see Inglourious Basterds (hoo ray for me!) aaaand... *drum rolls*... I freaking loved it! I mean, you'd have to be a handicapped automaton made by Apple NOT to like it. It was EPIC, it had everything, it was the perfect balance between comedy, gore, meaningful dialogues and good looking people (My name is Jezebel and I approve of Eli Roth, although I'd like to see Zachary Quinto play Donny Donowitz).

So...yes, it deserves all the fuss it's getting. Tarantino did it again (I'm sorry but... am I the only one who thinks he looks creepy as hell and that he's built like a serial rapist?). The movie had a very real vibe to it, if a British soldier spoke German the Nazi officers would be all: "Hmm, this guy has a funny accent, I wonder if he's a super secret evil spy from the allies...". The only not-so real thing in the movie was the ending: Tarantino kills Hitler in the movie but not the usual "*pew pew pew*, you're dead!" death, this was more the "pew pew pew, crash, burn, more pew pew pew, more burning and a few more pew pew" death. Tarantino blows Hitler up, sets him on fire and makes a Swiss cheese out him (you know, I'm going for clever here, Swiss cheeses have holes and so do people when they're shot at repeatedly). I also liked the whole scalping Nazis thing and carving a swastika in the few "lucky" survivors' foreheads.

I just didn't see the point in killing off most of the cool characters (come one, Eli Roth's character was way too pretty to die, way to pretty Quentin! What were you thinking?!). However, Aldo Raine (played by Brad Pitt) gets to live, how's that fair?! HUM?! HOW?!

Oh, and..hm.. give Cristoph Waltz an Oscar. He spoke Italian, French, English and German perfectly... that's got to count for something...right?


Rating: Awesome!

Ninjas!

What: G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra


Who: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Dennis Quaid, Lee Byung-hun and a bunch of other people


When: 2009


I love ninjas! Ninjas are awesome, when I grow up I want to be a ninja. Don't you think ninjas are the coolest thing ever? Ok, I think I'm done professing my love for ninjas, I should get started on the review.

Yes, I went to see G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra, to be honest I was expecting it to be a very crappy film. However, I was pleasantly surprised by an old school action movie, where the villain has an underwater lair and an evil scientist to help him out, the good guys kick serious ass and everything ends well.

Actually, the only reason why I decided to go see this movie was because I saw a pretty good amount of ninjas in the trailer. But the best part is that there's a shirtless fighting scene between of them! (I like Asian guys... so sue me)

The plot revolved around James McCullen's (an arms dealer) super evil plan to take over the world (don't you just love a classic?). To do so he asked his mad/evil scientist to develop crazy new nanotechnology capable of chewing through pretty much anything. So he destroys the Eiffel Tower, kills a bunch of people and asks Anna (who was previously brainwashed) to do his dirty work while wearing tight outfits.

At the end, the evil/mad scientist (who's actually Ana's brother, Rex, who was allegedly dead) uses a silver mask made of nano-mites to heal Cullen's injuries (he burnt himself while running
away from the good guys), tells him that his name from now on
is Destro (the same name his medieval ancestor had after being forced to use an incandescent iron mask for the rest of his life) and tells McCullen to call him Commander (at this point he already has a new and scarier suit on and his voice dropped a few eighths), both of them try to escape in a submarine but they end up arrested (poor bastards), the girl is "unbrainwashed" and goes back to Duke (a hunky soldier) and the evil ninja is presumably (PRESUMABLY!) killed by his adoptive brother.

Can anyone say... sequel?


(I'm guessing this last part was confusing, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it)

Rating: Oh yay!