Paranormal activity my ass

What: Paranormal Activity 2

Who: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Brian Boland, blah blah blah 

When: October 22nd

Mastermind: Tod Williams

Remember when I said I didn't like horror films? Well, if they're all like Paranormal Activity 2 you can forget I ever said that. Horror films don't scare me, they bore the crap out of me (although I don't know which is worse: being scared or bored out of my mind).

I was expecting really creepy stuff like sentences written in blood on the walls or a mutilated cat hanging from a chandelier but instead I got haunted cabinetry. Seriously? That's what's scaring people nowadays? Furniture? I have to say, I'm not impressed.

The first half of the film is really unfortunate. It's just a few random clips of people relaxing by a pool or taking care of their children. I understand they had to give us some kind of background story, they had to try to make us like those people so that, when they finally died, it'd be awful and heartbreaking. But, oh boy, that so didn't happen. By the time the "creepy" stuff started happening (which was after an hour of boring dialogue and choppy scenes) I was so fed up I was hoping they'd all just fall into a wood chipper and get it over with.

Unfortunately, when I say "creepy stuff" I don't mean their dog got turned inside out or some sort of evil spirit wrote quotes from the bible in blood (or any other bodily fluid, I'm not picky) on their walls. None of that. Something did happen to their dog, we just don't what. They mention it got sick (I believe they said something about a heart attack) and rush it off to the vet but the camera never shows what the evil demon spirit did to it. I like to think it just hid on a closet or something, waited for the dog to walk in from of it, jumped out, yelled "buh!" and scared the crap out of the poor thing.
In another scene, a teenage girl thinks she hears something outside and opens the front door, when she steps into the garden the door slams behind her... Ooohh spooky! A draft! Run for your lives! That scene was like twenty minutes long and it culminated in a slamming door, I wish I could ask for a refund or at least that they'd throw a axe murderer in there, it'd make the film so much better.

There's also a flying woman, a hovering baby, a whole lot of talking and a few fidgety pots and pans. But, really, whoever makes these films: just...stop, ok? Make something about unicorns, they're always a crowd-pleaser.

Rating: Pretty Crappy

(I know I promised to stop but... T-Meter critics... 60%? Really? Look at your life, look at your choices...)

What is this I don't even...

What: The Expendables (such an appropriate tittle)

Who: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jake Gyllenhaal has NOTHING on this guy), Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke

When: August 13th

I love films where shooting at stuff makes it blow up, I really do. Actually, I think they're the only reason why the cinema was invented. People in the nineteenth century wanted to watch carriages crash into each other and explode so someone had to come up with a safe way to make that happen (in case you're wondering, this explanation is 100% historically accurate). I can assure you that no one pays good money to watch a film about eating and praying and... loving (must...fight...gag reflex...) in a room with a giant screen and surround sound.

However, as much as I love violent movies with really big guns and explosions fueled by sheer will-power, sometimes they take a wrong turn somewhere and turn out just awful. I believe that's what happened with "The Expendables". Judging by the trailer, one would assume it's a complete awesomefest but nooooo..."The Expendables" is a train wreck and not even the kind you can't stop looking at. It's the kind that's so bad you have to cover your eyes in terror when you pass by. I mean, they started off ok with the whole "blowing up people in half and hanging pirates" thing but it was downhill from there.

When I discovered the dialogues had been written by Stallone I wondered if he was any good at writing but, hey, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is... I shouldn't have. The man can't write to save his life. Sure, even dimwitted morons can come up with a half-decent script (where would Hollywood be now if they couldn't?) but, usually, they don't try to be very clever. They just toss out a linear story-line and call it a day. Stallone wants to have his cake and eat it too, he tries to be very dark and serious but then makes pathetic attempts to be funny that just come off as awkward and forced (yes, Jet Li is short... hardy har har... move along...). When it comes to action movies you're either really really serious and go all "Jason Bourne" on us or you don't and make stuff like Die Hard or The A-team. What you can't do is try to have it both ways.

However, the dialogues aren't the only bad thing in this movie. I can handle awful writing if it's kept to a minimum and if there's awesome fighting sequences to balance it out. But the thing is... the action scenes sucked big time. The blood was incredibly fake, the explosions were very... "meh" and I think they could have done a better job at stabbing Eric Roberts with a saber (I really really dislike Eric Roberts...).

The female characters were also ridiculous. Filmmaking people everywhere: if you're going to put annoying girls in action movies make sure they either end up dead or are mind boggling hot.

So...yeah, "The Expendables" is an awful film: bad writing, bad acting, bad action scenes, bad everything. Come on, it ended with Jason Statham reciting a very crappy Haiku-like thingy. How much worse can it get?

Rating: Pretty Crappy

It's the A-team, bitches.

What: The A-team

Who: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson, Sharlto Copley, Quinton Jackson.

When: July 27th.

I don't understand the so-called critics who rate films over at rottentomatoes.com. "The A-Team" only got 48% positive reviews. But I guess that, when you read what the T-Meter critics have to say, everything gets a whole lot clearer: they just didn't get it, they didn't understand the film, not even a tiny bit. They call it vulgar, ordinary, disorienting and, my personal favourite, noisy (how, in the name of everything that is holy, can a film be noisy by its own? Maybe the cinema you went to just had the volume button turned up really really high, did you ever thought about that, mister movie critic?). Some people even said the plot was very confusing and that the whole film was so fast paced no one could understand it. Uh? Uh in the uh? How? It's an action movie, love. If you can't keep up with this kind of story-line, I suggest you start watching some Adam Sandler (or Ben Stiller) comedies.

But, hey, these are probably the same people who bashed "Where the wild things are" for having a sound-track full of overly obscure indie music (what were they expecting?).

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I can start reviewing the film properly. First of all, I really, really, REALLY liked it. I mean, it had awesome car/tank/airplane chases, explosions, likable characters (except for Jessica Biel's character, Hollywood just can't produce decent female characters, she was as annoying as a hyperactive poodle on crack), a semi-original story-line and funny dialogues. What more can a girl ask for? I think (I'm going out on a limb here) "The A-team" might just be the underrated film of the summer, the underdog, the retarded but adorable puppy, the... well, you see where I'm getting at.

I'm not saying "The A-team" is Oscar material. I'm not saying I'm going to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life". What I'm trying to say is: if a film does not have Paris-Hilton-level performances (I'll be damned, that girl can't act to save her life), a plot straight out of one of Uwe Boll's "creations" (poor guy... got mocked two reviews in a row) and the cheap feel of a bad spoof like "Epic Movie" then it should get positive reviews. It shouldn't get over-analysed and bashed because it's not a super deep psychodrama.

So, movie critics and people who enjoy talking about cinema in general, if you had fun, if the film didn't suck and if you didn't need popcorn to entertain yourself just... give it a thumbs up and shut your pie holes.

Rating: Awesome!

Prince of Persia

What: Prince of Persia: the Sands of Time


Who: Jake Gyllenhaal (Jesus on a cracker, that's a tough surname to spell), Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton


When: May 21st


This is an amazing film... it really is. You know why? Because it just teaches you so much. For example: did you know that Persians are actually British people in funny costumes? I had no idea but, apparently, it's true (or so the movie-making people think). I could swear Persians were Iranian but no sir, they're a hundred per cent British and proud of it.

But, apart from the poor characterization of the Persian people, the film was ok. It reminded me a lot of "Pirates of the Caribbean" but with sand... and horses instead of boats. However, as far as video-game inspired movies go, this one is not half bad (well, mainly because they managed to keep Uwe Boll away from it).

Anyway, Prince of Persia might not be a complete train wreck but it's not one of the best films of the summer. It tries to offer an intricate story-line but, apart from a minor plot-twist at the end, it's very predictable. It's just another one of those fun but incredibly dumb action movies. Sure, there's cool fighting scenes and good-looking people but the main characters aren't very likable and Jake Gyllenhaal's "now you see it now you don't" British accent is just plain ridiculous. Half way into the movie I found myself rooting for the hired assassin with the crazy-looking eyes who smoked a lot of weed and controlled snakes telepathically but, honestly, who can blame me? He had more personality than all the other characters combined, which, I might add, is not very difficult. I've seen dead badgers who are more original than any of them.

Personally, I like to think of "Prince of Persia" as a film about a young man with a disfunctional family who really enjoys parkour.

Rating: Meh +

She's out of your league...or is she?

What: She's out of my league

Who: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve and bunch of other people.

When: March...ish (but I only saw it recently because of...you know... jet lag or something)

First reaction: zohmygoodness! No, the movie wasn't that good (far from it) but Trevor Eve is in it! He's so awesome I wouldn't be surprised if he was carved from the same block of awesomeness that gave us Robert Downey Junior and all his... awesomeness?

Wikipedia told me that Trevor Eve is Alice Eve's father, which is rather curious since she also plays his daughter in the movie (I'm a sucker for this kind of... coincidence? Correspondence? Heck, I don't know what to call it).

So anyway, the film itself was... average. I feel like all the writers in Hollywood have given up on writing interesting and original stories and started coming up with really boring plots about everyday situations that, without random and rather vulgar comic reliefs, would put us all in a coma.

"She's out of my league" comes very close to be a film about two people in a completely normal relationship except throughout the whole thing everyone acts like Jay Baruchel's character is the ugliest bastard alive that shouldn't even be allowed to be around beautiful women because he might, I don't know, spontaneously combust or something. Besides I don't think Alice Eve is that hot, I mean, the way they were behaving, one would assume she's so insanely hot she actually kills people with her looks. But, come on, not even Megan Fox can do that and god knows how much she has tried...

So, yeah. No one should be bothered with this film, you shouldn't waiste a second of your time thinking about it. Just acknowledge it's out there and move one with or life (or, you know...don't), unless, of course, you really want to hear Trevor Eve talk with an American accent. In that case, knock yourself out. Although I have to warn you all: it's quite disturbing.

Rating: Meh

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?



And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Alice in freaking Wonderland

What: Alice in Wonderland



Who: Johnny Depp (well, obviously), Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway and Alan Rickman



When: February 25





It's like a bad acid trip.





There, I said it.





Rating: Meh+

The Wolfman

What: The Wolfman (well, duh)


Who: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving and Benicio del Toro


When: How the well should I know?


I don't like horror films. I really don't, I find them...illogical. Psychological thrillers and "stuff" like Saw and The Exorcist aren't my thing at all. I don't go to the movies to get the crap scared out of me, I go to the movies to have fun (which I don't have if I'm scared out of me mind), to enjoy myself and to watch abnormally good looking people engaging in awesome activities (such as head-chopping and flying). However, I do like pointless gore and werewolves (the kind that's not seventeen years old and constantly shirtless) and non-sparkling mythological creatures so I decided I really wanted to watch a film with some old school werewolves and, hopefully, lots of pointless violence.


Well, I saw the movie yesterday and I still don't know what to make of it. I mean, it was pretty awesome and I had a lot of fun. In one scene, Anthony Hopkins, in werewolf mode, attacks a policeman from behind and you can actually see his claws coming out of the man's mouth! (How cool is that?!). However, a lot more could be done with this film. I was hoping Lawrence (Benecio del Toro's character) and Gwen (Emily Blunt's character) would have some sexy time but they barely kissed. And that's just wrong, you can't have gore without sex (you just can't). I mean, teenagers under 16 aren't allowed in the cinema but apart from a few heads flying around there's nothing really inappropriate in it, there's nothing in it that would scar small children for life. I wanted something really shocking like bestiality or scenes so gruesome that made everyone nauseated enough to vomit all their popcorn.



Now, the story itself is not all bad, it's in a healthy medium, not too fancy, not too elaborate. The special effects are well, rather silly but all in all, fine. To be honest the whole film is just... ok. It's just a very large pile of "averageness", but it's good enough to give me hope! Hope that Twilight hasn't marked the end of cool monster movies.

(I just noticed something: Benicio del Toro has that "mildly attractive groove" going on, doesn't he?... good for him).

Rating: Meh

Number nine...number nine

(yes, it's a reference to The Beatles. Get over it)

What: Nine

Who: Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard (I sense I'm missing someone...) oh, that's right, Penelope Cruz

When: December...ish

Nine is probably the best bad movie ever. Confused? Well, allow me to explain: Nine is a terrific movie...in theory. It has a great cast, it's inspired by a semi autobiographical film by Frederico Fellini and...well, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, how could it go wrong? But, oh dear, something terrible happened, I can't tell you exactly what, but it was very very bad.

I really don't know if it was the director or some whiny producer... but Nine, instead of being a timeless movie is just...well... the biggest pile of baloney I've ever watched (not as bad as Miami Vice...but then again, what is?). Seriously, it's really bad. The whole movie is entirely made by clips of random hot women throwing themselves at Daniel Day Lewis's character, Guido (despite his greasy hair, I don't think he showered the whole movie). No, really. You can't watch five minutes of the film without some random attractive stranger trying to dry hump him.

There's another thing I don't get, the movie making people hired actresses like Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Fergie for a gazillion dollars (oh and Penelope Cruz, I geep forgetting her for some reason) and then each one gets 5 minutes on screen (and, for some reason, they made Fergie eat a ridiculous amount of cheesecake). I have to say, I was expecting a lot more. Not even the songs were good, they sounded all the same to me.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of musicals but I think they can be fun, I liked Sweeney Todd (meh, who didn't) and I even thought Chicago (which is from the same guy who made Nine) was alright, but Nine is just painful to watch. People, don't do this to yourselves. Do something more productive with your time, like...milking a cow or something.

However, I have the strange feeling you're not getting how bad this film actually is, so let me try to put this layman's terms: Nine is so bad it makes yawns yawn, it is so crappy that not even the random hot priest in the begging of the movie made it worth watching! (And I enjoy hot catholic priests more than the average woman).

That's how bad Nine is.

Rating: Load of crap (craptacular, I would say)

Revenge of the Smurfs

(I know, I know, the whole "smurf joke" is getting old. Well, too bad, I LIKE IT)



What: Avatar (in 3-D, not that's very relevant)


Who: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldaña, Michelle Rodriguez, Sigourney Weaver, Joel David Moore (oh, he's pretty).


When: December 18th ... ish


Jeez... Avatar is getting everyone's panties in a knot, isn't it? People are going crazy for the bloody thing and, frankly, I don't get it. It's going to become a GINORMOUS blockbuster just like Titanic (crappy crappy crappy, just the thought of it makes me want to go into a coma) and I found it rather boring. Sure, it's shiny (really shiny, if you haven't seen it prepare yourself for ultimate shininess!), I'll give you that but apart from having amazing special effects it really isn't all that. I like to describe it as a big bright blue yawn.

Seriously, it's the oldest story in the world: paraplegic human boy meets alien chick, human boy and alien chick fall and love and have sexy time under a talking tree, human boy saves alien chick's planet from being blown up and everyone lives happily ever after... tah dah! Choose a Disney movie, throw in a few blue people and a wheel chair and BOOM you've got Avatar!
About the whole 3-D experience...yeeahh... I didn't care for it. Sure, it was fun... for the first 10 minutes but after that...bleh. They (the evil cinema people) charged me a few extra pounds for that?! A few, occasional, floating specks of...well... cosmic shmut?! (it has to be italicized because I'm not even sure that's a real word) No thank you, I like my boys submissive, my steak well done and my movies flat! (no giant Sam Worthington head popping out of the screen for me, you can keep it).

The film is incredibly predictable, it's just a really big pile of everything cliche. You know what I would like to see in Avatar? Joel David Moore's character get some. I'm serious, I'm not just saying this because I think he's...well...rather good looking but because I would really like to see a geeky character in a motion picture getting laid (well, at least a geeky character that is not played by Michael Cera). Yeah, instead of a brutish marine I would really enjoy watching a skinny scientist save the day (or, at least, get the girl). I'm telling you, hunky marines don't get very far, it's really skinny socially awkward scientists that make the world move forward.

And, do you know what a rather intelligent individual said about Avatar on Rotten Tomatoes?! Well, let me be the one to tell you! He said, and I quote: "(Avatar) Alternates between a slurry Marc Franz impressionism and the most elaborate Thundercats episode ever made." I could not agree more.

Maybe I'm being mean. It was a good time, mildly entertaining and all but...meh... I don't know, I guess I got my hopes up. I was expecting to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life" but it fell short. But, hey, the movie was very successful! You know what that means? It means there's going to be not one but two sequels! Imagine that... two even shinier sequels I can trash...

With that being said, you know what's Avatar's rating on Rotten Tomatoes? 82%! (What kind of crack house are they running over there?!)

Rating: Meh +

Pretty Robert Downey Junior is pretty

(seriously, being that good-looking must hurt... A LOT)

What: Sherlock Holmes

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior, Robert Downey Junior oh, and Jude Law, Rachel MacAdams and some other guy called Mark Strong

When: December 26th

I have a question for you, my non-existent followers, what's better than Robert Downey Junior? No, the answer is not "nothing" (smart asses), the correct answer is "Robert Downey Junior with a British accent" (oh... how I like Robert Downey Junior... *sigh*)

I saw Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes last night and I really liked it. I mean, come on, what could go wrong? First of all, it's a Guy Ritchie film (Snatch is absolutely hilarious) and then...Robert Downey Junior plays the lead character. I also liked the way England is portrayed, it doesn't have a squeaky clean image with gorgeous people running around (apart from Robert Downey Junior of course) in impeccable outfits and great diction, no, no, it's all very dirty, with ugly people, filthy streets and rats (lots of them), you can almost smell it.
I also liked Jude Law as Watson (although I stand by my belief that he's just a bad version of Ewan Macgregor). Oh... and Sherlock Holmes? Don't get me started on him! He was like a CSI, a scientist and a detective, all wrapped in a gorgeous, eloquent, scruffy and toned package... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?... Oh right, hum... so the story revolves a super evil villain (Mark Strong) with pseudo-supernatural powers, his alleged resurrection and a lot of ass-kicking (I'm not going to spoil the movie for you, just go to the movies and enjoy yourself)
So that's about it, it's an amazing film (I think the movie critics at Rotten Tomatoes are a bunch of stuck-up snobs: 48%, really? Are you on crack?), really entertaining, funny and full of mystery. I advise everyone to go see it, especially teenage girls...even if it's just to see what a real man looks like.


Oh, and I have one last question (it's a tricky one): What's better than Robert Downey Junior with a British accent?... Robert Downey Junior speaking french (which he does...in the movie...you should really go see it)

Rating: Awesome!

You basterds!

What: Inglourious Basterds


Who: Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Cristoph Waltz, Diane Kruger.


Sure, but who directed it? Who?! Director/writer: Quentin Tarantino


When: August 2009

I went to see Inglourious Basterds (hoo ray for me!) aaaand... *drum rolls*... I freaking loved it! I mean, you'd have to be a handicapped automaton made by Apple NOT to like it. It was EPIC, it had everything, it was the perfect balance between comedy, gore, meaningful dialogues and good looking people (My name is Jezebel and I approve of Eli Roth, although I'd like to see Zachary Quinto play Donny Donowitz).

So...yes, it deserves all the fuss it's getting. Tarantino did it again (I'm sorry but... am I the only one who thinks he looks creepy as hell and that he's built like a serial rapist?). The movie had a very real vibe to it, if a British soldier spoke German the Nazi officers would be all: "Hmm, this guy has a funny accent, I wonder if he's a super secret evil spy from the allies...". The only not-so real thing in the movie was the ending: Tarantino kills Hitler in the movie but not the usual "*pew pew pew*, you're dead!" death, this was more the "pew pew pew, crash, burn, more pew pew pew, more burning and a few more pew pew" death. Tarantino blows Hitler up, sets him on fire and makes a Swiss cheese out him (you know, I'm going for clever here, Swiss cheeses have holes and so do people when they're shot at repeatedly). I also liked the whole scalping Nazis thing and carving a swastika in the few "lucky" survivors' foreheads.

I just didn't see the point in killing off most of the cool characters (come one, Eli Roth's character was way too pretty to die, way to pretty Quentin! What were you thinking?!). However, Aldo Raine (played by Brad Pitt) gets to live, how's that fair?! HUM?! HOW?!

Oh, and..hm.. give Cristoph Waltz an Oscar. He spoke Italian, French, English and German perfectly... that's got to count for something...right?


Rating: Awesome!

Ninjas!

What: G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra


Who: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Dennis Quaid, Lee Byung-hun and a bunch of other people


When: 2009


I love ninjas! Ninjas are awesome, when I grow up I want to be a ninja. Don't you think ninjas are the coolest thing ever? Ok, I think I'm done professing my love for ninjas, I should get started on the review.

Yes, I went to see G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra, to be honest I was expecting it to be a very crappy film. However, I was pleasantly surprised by an old school action movie, where the villain has an underwater lair and an evil scientist to help him out, the good guys kick serious ass and everything ends well.

Actually, the only reason why I decided to go see this movie was because I saw a pretty good amount of ninjas in the trailer. But the best part is that there's a shirtless fighting scene between of them! (I like Asian guys... so sue me)

The plot revolved around James McCullen's (an arms dealer) super evil plan to take over the world (don't you just love a classic?). To do so he asked his mad/evil scientist to develop crazy new nanotechnology capable of chewing through pretty much anything. So he destroys the Eiffel Tower, kills a bunch of people and asks Anna (who was previously brainwashed) to do his dirty work while wearing tight outfits.

At the end, the evil/mad scientist (who's actually Ana's brother, Rex, who was allegedly dead) uses a silver mask made of nano-mites to heal Cullen's injuries (he burnt himself while running
away from the good guys), tells him that his name from now on
is Destro (the same name his medieval ancestor had after being forced to use an incandescent iron mask for the rest of his life) and tells McCullen to call him Commander (at this point he already has a new and scarier suit on and his voice dropped a few eighths), both of them try to escape in a submarine but they end up arrested (poor bastards), the girl is "unbrainwashed" and goes back to Duke (a hunky soldier) and the evil ninja is presumably (PRESUMABLY!) killed by his adoptive brother.

Can anyone say... sequel?


(I'm guessing this last part was confusing, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it)

Rating: Oh yay!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

What: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Movie)


Who: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Alan Rickman and all the usual people.



When: July 15th, 2009

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter yay! A new Harry Potter movie! Oh, the joy! Nah nah nah, lala la.

...

And that's all I'm going to say. I cannot review a Harry Potter movie, I'm not worthy.

I will tell you this: I liked it a lot and I believe Snape has never been sexier...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

What: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen



Who: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson and John Turturro


When: 2009

Oh deary me... I'm...so...very... disappointed. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is just a big pile of robotic nonsense, probably the most obnoxious film of the year. The plot is non-existing and there are way too many comic reliefs (I'm sorry, but I like to take movies seriously), I guess Megan Fox in absurdly short shorts ( they basically defy the laws of physics) is the only reason why you would want to see this movie.

It's like someone woke up one day and decided to shoot a movie so unbelievably uninteresting that not even a couple of absurdly good-looking female specimens, bad ass robots and car chases could save it. And, if that wasn't enough, they even threw in there some pseudo-romantic crap, just so guys could convince their girlfriends to go to the cinema with them (however, I wonder how a girl in a relationship will convince her boyfriend to watch New Moon with her. One would think that the inherent lack of "hot chicks" would be a problem...Well, maybe Robert Pattinson is so attractive that even guys will feel compelled to watch it, who knows? Modern society confuses me).

Yeah, there's this whole sub-plot about how Sam (Shia LeBeouf) hasn't confessed his undying for Mikaela (Megan Fox) and vice-versa. Throughout the movie they're like little children arguing ("You say it first!" "No, YOU say it first"). Finally, when Sam is hit by a super evil robotic missile and gets knock-out, Mikaela says she loves him (well, duh, she thought he was dead). But, although unconscious, Sam could still hear her (go figure...), wakes up and gets all full of himself because he wasn't the first to say"it"(smug bastard...).

So, long story short, Sam almost gets raped by an evil robot with a wiggly tail that, when kissed, tastes like diesel. Optimus Prime gets killed only to be resurrected minutes later. Sam acts all dead and stuff just to convince a girl way out of his league to tell him she loves him. Random robots bitch a lot about pretty much everything and the mother of all evil robots is killed in a very anti-climatic scene (No, seriously, it's Kapow! Bam! Pew Pew Pew! Yahoo! And he's dead, I'm not joking)

Rating: Pretty crappy

Terminator Salvation

What: Terminator Salvation

Who: Christian Bale, Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Worthington

When: May-June 2009

Looks like I'm going to start with Terminator Salvation. Well, apparently Terminator was the next franchise (after Batman) to be rescued heroically by Mr. Christian Bale. He's been busy, hasn't he?. He's even going to be in a movie with Johnny Depp (that's really awesome, even for a guy).

Anyway, this time he plays John Connor (which was just a kid in the last two movies but is now all grown up and pretty), son of Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese and super tough leader of the human resistance against the evil blood thirsty machines who have, basically, taken over the world.

So, in this film, the plot revolves mostly around finding Kyle Reese (which is a teenager. Oh, and don't worry, they eventually find him) so John Connor (his son, that's actually older than him. Wow, is that messed up or what?) can send him back in time to have sex with Sarah Connor (John Connor's mother) so John Connor can exist and save all mankind in the future (like he's doing right now). Confused? So am I. Don't worry about it, I'm guessing it's a normal reaction. The time line is not very coherent. Apart from this tiny, insignificant detail I really liked the film. I'm not saying it's a really deep, emotional and life changing movie, it's just good fun.

The special effects are WOWWOW! Yup, they're THAT awesome. I liked the plot a lot too, what's not to like in a film with cute (but sensitive) guys, a large amount of ass kicking scenes and mean looking machines? I do not know... I must disagree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, only 33% of the reviews were positive! What's wrong with you people?! Seriously?!

Rating: Oh yay!

So... that's about it. I hope it doesn't suck too much for my first review.