It's thunder, bitches

What: Thor

When: May 6th

Who: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins

Mastermind: Kenneth Branagh

I love superhero movies. Give me a masked dude in tights, a freak accident and a pretty girl and I'm all set. I really can't remember a superhero film I didn't like. I liked the Green Hornet, all the X-men movies and V for Vendetta is probably my favourite film of all time (OF ALL TIME). Thor is no different, I loved Thor. It's nice and shinny, it has great special effects and a plot that's not completely retarded (I really like it when plots aren't retarded). Anyway, I had really high expectations for this film mainly because it was directed by Kenneth Branagh and, as we all know, he's an Irish pie filled with creamy Shakespearean awesomeness.

"A superhero movie, you say? Directed by Kenneth Branagh? Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Where do I sign?!"

Thankfully, Thor didn't disappoint. It's a really enjoyable movie. However, I have a few problems with the characters. I might love superhero films but I usually end up rooting for the villains.

Let me tell you about Thor. Thor is a big burly sort of fella who's not very smart and likes to smash stuff with his sidekick Mjolnir, the cosmic hammer. Naturally, Thor is blond, generically attractive and somewhat annoying. I believe he's the male equivalent of those ditsy and surgically enhanced girls who ride their pink scooters all around town with their freakishly small dogs and their overpriced handbags. The lights are on but nobody's home.

Anyway, Thor also has a brother named Loki who's not blond and appears to have a personality who turns out to be adopted (completely different gene pools... I should have known). Loki ends up playing the villain and if he had managed to scatter Thor's particles all across the universe using one of his worm-hole type thingies I would've been one happy camper.

Natalie Portman's character is also pretty sad. For someone who's supposed to be super smart she has no survival instincts whatsoever. Who, in the name of everythig that is holy, finds a crazy dude in the desert claming he came from space and decides to keep him? Women... that's who...

Rating: Oh yay!

Jezebel's DVD pick of the week - Ninja Assassin

(Yeah, that's right! It's a new segment!)

Do you like 3D animated blood in large amounts? Do you like ninjas and assassins? Mildly attractive women? A linear but entertaining plot? If you answered yes to all these questions, "Ninja Assassin" might just be the movie for you.

Yes, "Ninja Assassin" is one of the awesomest movies ever. I mean, think about it: ninjas AND assassins (it's a bit redundant but, hey, I'm not complaining). The only way it could be better was if they threw in a couple of vampire zombies.

One of the reasons why I decided to watch "Ninja Assassin" was that, in most of its reviews, "gorefest" seemed to be the most repeated word. Honestly, people, who doesn't love mindless and often cartoonish violence?

So, "Ninja Assassin" is the tale of a very fit young man (I will make no further references to his looks, I promise, this is just an accurate description) who was trained by a super secret society of bad ass ninjas but, unfortunately, was later forced to go on the run after he decided he wasn't really into to the whole "butchering people for money" groove they had going on.

About this very toned main character I will say this: he might be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass. I'm serious people! This guy can do vertical push-ups on a bed of nails. Yes, vertical push-ups... on a bed of nails. Now Chuck Norris has to learn how to do back flips over a pit of fiery lava to keep up with the competition.

Rating: Oh yay!

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Ninjas!

What: G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra


Who: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Dennis Quaid, Lee Byung-hun and a bunch of other people


When: 2009


I love ninjas! Ninjas are awesome, when I grow up I want to be a ninja. Don't you think ninjas are the coolest thing ever? Ok, I think I'm done professing my love for ninjas, I should get started on the review.

Yes, I went to see G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra, to be honest I was expecting it to be a very crappy film. However, I was pleasantly surprised by an old school action movie, where the villain has an underwater lair and an evil scientist to help him out, the good guys kick serious ass and everything ends well.

Actually, the only reason why I decided to go see this movie was because I saw a pretty good amount of ninjas in the trailer. But the best part is that there's a shirtless fighting scene between of them! (I like Asian guys... so sue me)

The plot revolved around James McCullen's (an arms dealer) super evil plan to take over the world (don't you just love a classic?). To do so he asked his mad/evil scientist to develop crazy new nanotechnology capable of chewing through pretty much anything. So he destroys the Eiffel Tower, kills a bunch of people and asks Anna (who was previously brainwashed) to do his dirty work while wearing tight outfits.

At the end, the evil/mad scientist (who's actually Ana's brother, Rex, who was allegedly dead) uses a silver mask made of nano-mites to heal Cullen's injuries (he burnt himself while running
away from the good guys), tells him that his name from now on
is Destro (the same name his medieval ancestor had after being forced to use an incandescent iron mask for the rest of his life) and tells McCullen to call him Commander (at this point he already has a new and scarier suit on and his voice dropped a few eighths), both of them try to escape in a submarine but they end up arrested (poor bastards), the girl is "unbrainwashed" and goes back to Duke (a hunky soldier) and the evil ninja is presumably (PRESUMABLY!) killed by his adoptive brother.

Can anyone say... sequel?


(I'm guessing this last part was confusing, but I'm too lazy to rewrite it)

Rating: Oh yay!

Terminator Salvation

What: Terminator Salvation

Who: Christian Bale, Anton Yelchin, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Worthington

When: May-June 2009

Looks like I'm going to start with Terminator Salvation. Well, apparently Terminator was the next franchise (after Batman) to be rescued heroically by Mr. Christian Bale. He's been busy, hasn't he?. He's even going to be in a movie with Johnny Depp (that's really awesome, even for a guy).

Anyway, this time he plays John Connor (which was just a kid in the last two movies but is now all grown up and pretty), son of Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese and super tough leader of the human resistance against the evil blood thirsty machines who have, basically, taken over the world.

So, in this film, the plot revolves mostly around finding Kyle Reese (which is a teenager. Oh, and don't worry, they eventually find him) so John Connor (his son, that's actually older than him. Wow, is that messed up or what?) can send him back in time to have sex with Sarah Connor (John Connor's mother) so John Connor can exist and save all mankind in the future (like he's doing right now). Confused? So am I. Don't worry about it, I'm guessing it's a normal reaction. The time line is not very coherent. Apart from this tiny, insignificant detail I really liked the film. I'm not saying it's a really deep, emotional and life changing movie, it's just good fun.

The special effects are WOWWOW! Yup, they're THAT awesome. I liked the plot a lot too, what's not to like in a film with cute (but sensitive) guys, a large amount of ass kicking scenes and mean looking machines? I do not know... I must disagree with Rotten Tomatoes on this one, only 33% of the reviews were positive! What's wrong with you people?! Seriously?!

Rating: Oh yay!

So... that's about it. I hope it doesn't suck too much for my first review.