The stupid guys

What: The other guys

Who: Will Ferrell (hate him), Mark Whalberg (hate him too), Eva Mendes

When: August 2010

Mastermind IT HAS NONE

I hate Will Ferrell. I hate his guts. I hate his stupid face and his stupid curls and his stupid voice. I freaking hate Will Ferrell, that unfunny bastard, that sorry excuse for a comedian, that... giant handicapped woodchuck. You know, after I saw "Stranger than fiction" I was willing to give him a chance but I'm over that. I'm pretty sure Emma Thompson's presence was the only thing keeping him from sucking ass (which he does, on a regular basis).

"The other guys" reminds me of other spoofs like "Epic Movie" or "Date Movie" that are absolutely disgusting. After an hour and a half of it, honestly, I just wanted to shower... with bleach or... you know... ACID.
I do enjoy raunchy humour now and then but this is an abomination, a failed abortion! It's awful... and it makes me so very sad. Now, I'm not saying I didn't get e few giggles out of it, because I kinda did but as a whole, it's terrible. A 20 minute episode of "The Big Bang Theory" is a bajillion (yes, a bajillion, which is a lot more than a zillion) funnier than this blockbuster monstrosity.

Even the poster is stupid. Only mentally challenged thirty year olds and pre-pubescent boys could think this is actually a good film.

Rating: Pretty crappy

Paranormal activity my ass

What: Paranormal Activity 2

Who: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Brian Boland, blah blah blah 

When: October 22nd

Mastermind: Tod Williams

Remember when I said I didn't like horror films? Well, if they're all like Paranormal Activity 2 you can forget I ever said that. Horror films don't scare me, they bore the crap out of me (although I don't know which is worse: being scared or bored out of my mind).

I was expecting really creepy stuff like sentences written in blood on the walls or a mutilated cat hanging from a chandelier but instead I got haunted cabinetry. Seriously? That's what's scaring people nowadays? Furniture? I have to say, I'm not impressed.

The first half of the film is really unfortunate. It's just a few random clips of people relaxing by a pool or taking care of their children. I understand they had to give us some kind of background story, they had to try to make us like those people so that, when they finally died, it'd be awful and heartbreaking. But, oh boy, that so didn't happen. By the time the "creepy" stuff started happening (which was after an hour of boring dialogue and choppy scenes) I was so fed up I was hoping they'd all just fall into a wood chipper and get it over with.

Unfortunately, when I say "creepy stuff" I don't mean their dog got turned inside out or some sort of evil spirit wrote quotes from the bible in blood (or any other bodily fluid, I'm not picky) on their walls. None of that. Something did happen to their dog, we just don't what. They mention it got sick (I believe they said something about a heart attack) and rush it off to the vet but the camera never shows what the evil demon spirit did to it. I like to think it just hid on a closet or something, waited for the dog to walk in from of it, jumped out, yelled "buh!" and scared the crap out of the poor thing.
In another scene, a teenage girl thinks she hears something outside and opens the front door, when she steps into the garden the door slams behind her... Ooohh spooky! A draft! Run for your lives! That scene was like twenty minutes long and it culminated in a slamming door, I wish I could ask for a refund or at least that they'd throw a axe murderer in there, it'd make the film so much better.

There's also a flying woman, a hovering baby, a whole lot of talking and a few fidgety pots and pans. But, really, whoever makes these films: just...stop, ok? Make something about unicorns, they're always a crowd-pleaser.

Rating: Pretty Crappy

(I know I promised to stop but... T-Meter critics... 60%? Really? Look at your life, look at your choices...)

What is this I don't even...

What: The Expendables (such an appropriate tittle)

Who: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jake Gyllenhaal has NOTHING on this guy), Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke

When: August 13th

I love films where shooting at stuff makes it blow up, I really do. Actually, I think they're the only reason why the cinema was invented. People in the nineteenth century wanted to watch carriages crash into each other and explode so someone had to come up with a safe way to make that happen (in case you're wondering, this explanation is 100% historically accurate). I can assure you that no one pays good money to watch a film about eating and praying and... loving (must...fight...gag reflex...) in a room with a giant screen and surround sound.

However, as much as I love violent movies with really big guns and explosions fueled by sheer will-power, sometimes they take a wrong turn somewhere and turn out just awful. I believe that's what happened with "The Expendables". Judging by the trailer, one would assume it's a complete awesomefest but nooooo..."The Expendables" is a train wreck and not even the kind you can't stop looking at. It's the kind that's so bad you have to cover your eyes in terror when you pass by. I mean, they started off ok with the whole "blowing up people in half and hanging pirates" thing but it was downhill from there.

When I discovered the dialogues had been written by Stallone I wondered if he was any good at writing but, hey, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is... I shouldn't have. The man can't write to save his life. Sure, even dimwitted morons can come up with a half-decent script (where would Hollywood be now if they couldn't?) but, usually, they don't try to be very clever. They just toss out a linear story-line and call it a day. Stallone wants to have his cake and eat it too, he tries to be very dark and serious but then makes pathetic attempts to be funny that just come off as awkward and forced (yes, Jet Li is short... hardy har har... move along...). When it comes to action movies you're either really really serious and go all "Jason Bourne" on us or you don't and make stuff like Die Hard or The A-team. What you can't do is try to have it both ways.

However, the dialogues aren't the only bad thing in this movie. I can handle awful writing if it's kept to a minimum and if there's awesome fighting sequences to balance it out. But the thing is... the action scenes sucked big time. The blood was incredibly fake, the explosions were very... "meh" and I think they could have done a better job at stabbing Eric Roberts with a saber (I really really dislike Eric Roberts...).

The female characters were also ridiculous. Filmmaking people everywhere: if you're going to put annoying girls in action movies make sure they either end up dead or are mind boggling hot.

So...yeah, "The Expendables" is an awful film: bad writing, bad acting, bad action scenes, bad everything. Come on, it ended with Jason Statham reciting a very crappy Haiku-like thingy. How much worse can it get?

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?



And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

What: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen



Who: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson and John Turturro


When: 2009

Oh deary me... I'm...so...very... disappointed. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is just a big pile of robotic nonsense, probably the most obnoxious film of the year. The plot is non-existing and there are way too many comic reliefs (I'm sorry, but I like to take movies seriously), I guess Megan Fox in absurdly short shorts ( they basically defy the laws of physics) is the only reason why you would want to see this movie.

It's like someone woke up one day and decided to shoot a movie so unbelievably uninteresting that not even a couple of absurdly good-looking female specimens, bad ass robots and car chases could save it. And, if that wasn't enough, they even threw in there some pseudo-romantic crap, just so guys could convince their girlfriends to go to the cinema with them (however, I wonder how a girl in a relationship will convince her boyfriend to watch New Moon with her. One would think that the inherent lack of "hot chicks" would be a problem...Well, maybe Robert Pattinson is so attractive that even guys will feel compelled to watch it, who knows? Modern society confuses me).

Yeah, there's this whole sub-plot about how Sam (Shia LeBeouf) hasn't confessed his undying for Mikaela (Megan Fox) and vice-versa. Throughout the movie they're like little children arguing ("You say it first!" "No, YOU say it first"). Finally, when Sam is hit by a super evil robotic missile and gets knock-out, Mikaela says she loves him (well, duh, she thought he was dead). But, although unconscious, Sam could still hear her (go figure...), wakes up and gets all full of himself because he wasn't the first to say"it"(smug bastard...).

So, long story short, Sam almost gets raped by an evil robot with a wiggly tail that, when kissed, tastes like diesel. Optimus Prime gets killed only to be resurrected minutes later. Sam acts all dead and stuff just to convince a girl way out of his league to tell him she loves him. Random robots bitch a lot about pretty much everything and the mother of all evil robots is killed in a very anti-climatic scene (No, seriously, it's Kapow! Bam! Pew Pew Pew! Yahoo! And he's dead, I'm not joking)

Rating: Pretty crappy

Get me the Winchester brothers on the phone, we have a problem

What: Twilight (book)



Who: Stephanie Meyer



When: 2005



Well, apparently I'm going to review a book after all... You probably can't tell from the title but I'm going to write about Twilight, I was tired of all my friends telling me to read the book so I decided to borrow it from the local library (I refused to give a cent of my money to Stephanie Meyer, I think she has enough as it is) and finished it a few days ago.

For the last few months the world has been obsessing over this pseudo vampire/human forbidden love story , people just can't over it, some love it, others hate it, teenage girls and their mothers act like their lives depend on the next sequel. When will it stop?!

So, what can I say about Twilight? Well, first I have to admit... I didn't like it. I'm sorry, I really didn't. I thought it was a mediocre book, not worthy of all the attention it's egetting. There's probably a gazillion really talented but obscure writers banging their heads into a wall yelling "WHY?! WHY?!" right now (poor things...).

You probably know this by now but the plot is about a really plain, uninteresting, not very bright young woman called Isabella Swan who pretty much hates everything (hates the rain, hates the snow, hates getting a lot of male attention, hates not getting a lot of male attention, hates, hates, hates, hates...) that falls in love with a good looking (but slightly stalker) vampire with incredible diction.

The first... I don't know... two hundred hundred pages describe the young girl's struggle to understand why her hunky but odd looking classmate doesn't seem to like her. Later in the book he finally admits that he liked her but he acted all weird around her because he really wanted to suck her blood (apparently she smells really good), Bella's reaction to this affirmation is "Hmm, ok!". Edward (the vampire) also tells her that he sat outside her house at night watching her sleep, again, Bella's reaction is "Hmm, ok!" (because it's only alright to be a creepy stalker if you're good looking). The book's characters are just terrible, really, Bella doesn't seem to have a life of her own, she's really pathetic. If natural selection worked like it used to, Bella would die a few days after being born. She spends most of her time tripping, falling, collapsing and feeling sick to her stomach (I think she has a brain tumor but that's just me...) and, besides, she has no sense of self preservation, when her pseudo-boyfriend tells her that went through the "Actually, I prefer eating people" phase Bella's reaction is (yup, you guessed it) "Hmm, ok" (because they're, like, totally in love, so it's fine).

I guess that the idea of an unbelievably good looking guy falling in love with an average looking girl is reassuring to teenagers but...come on guys, seriously? Are girls so insecure that they find dating their stalkers romantic?! All this true love, soul mate, I-can't-live-without-you thing is really getting old and the saddest thing is that teenage girls are still eating it up. There's no such thing as love at first sight and "I'll die for you" isn't real, people rescue themselves, not their boyfriends. Are we clear?

And then, there's the sparkling issue. Apparently, in Stephenie Meyer's book, vampires, when exposed to the sun, sparkle. Isn't that precious?... I'm a really big vampire/monster fan, I love that stuff. In my opinion Supernatural's version of the vampire myth is the best. Shows like Supernatural or Buffy make vampires look cool, with their super strenght and speed, their badass teeth and attitude. But sparkling? Not so much...

Oh, and before you pick up that copy of Twilight to read it for the seventh time, why don't you consider reading something like... Kafka or, if you're really into novels and romance, Tolstoy's Anna Karenina? It will only do you good.


Rating: Pretty crappy