It's the A-team, bitches.

What: The A-team

Who: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson, Sharlto Copley, Quinton Jackson.

When: July 27th.

I don't understand the so-called critics who rate films over at rottentomatoes.com. "The A-Team" only got 48% positive reviews. But I guess that, when you read what the T-Meter critics have to say, everything gets a whole lot clearer: they just didn't get it, they didn't understand the film, not even a tiny bit. They call it vulgar, ordinary, disorienting and, my personal favourite, noisy (how, in the name of everything that is holy, can a film be noisy by its own? Maybe the cinema you went to just had the volume button turned up really really high, did you ever thought about that, mister movie critic?). Some people even said the plot was very confusing and that the whole film was so fast paced no one could understand it. Uh? Uh in the uh? How? It's an action movie, love. If you can't keep up with this kind of story-line, I suggest you start watching some Adam Sandler (or Ben Stiller) comedies.

But, hey, these are probably the same people who bashed "Where the wild things are" for having a sound-track full of overly obscure indie music (what were they expecting?).

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I can start reviewing the film properly. First of all, I really, really, REALLY liked it. I mean, it had awesome car/tank/airplane chases, explosions, likable characters (except for Jessica Biel's character, Hollywood just can't produce decent female characters, she was as annoying as a hyperactive poodle on crack), a semi-original story-line and funny dialogues. What more can a girl ask for? I think (I'm going out on a limb here) "The A-team" might just be the underrated film of the summer, the underdog, the retarded but adorable puppy, the... well, you see where I'm getting at.

I'm not saying "The A-team" is Oscar material. I'm not saying I'm going to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life". What I'm trying to say is: if a film does not have Paris-Hilton-level performances (I'll be damned, that girl can't act to save her life), a plot straight out of one of Uwe Boll's "creations" (poor guy... got mocked two reviews in a row) and the cheap feel of a bad spoof like "Epic Movie" then it should get positive reviews. It shouldn't get over-analysed and bashed because it's not a super deep psychodrama.

So, movie critics and people who enjoy talking about cinema in general, if you had fun, if the film didn't suck and if you didn't need popcorn to entertain yourself just... give it a thumbs up and shut your pie holes.

Rating: Awesome!

(N)ever again

It was brought to my attention that the assessments I make of the male gender actually contribute to my blog's charm and... popularity.

So, there you have it. I've officially reinstated foolish commentary on good-looking men. If you don't like it I'm sure IMDB has plenty of boring and witless reviews for you.

Prince of Persia

What: Prince of Persia: the Sands of Time


Who: Jake Gyllenhaal (Jesus on a cracker, that's a tough surname to spell), Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton


When: May 21st


This is an amazing film... it really is. You know why? Because it just teaches you so much. For example: did you know that Persians are actually British people in funny costumes? I had no idea but, apparently, it's true (or so the movie-making people think). I could swear Persians were Iranian but no sir, they're a hundred per cent British and proud of it.

But, apart from the poor characterization of the Persian people, the film was ok. It reminded me a lot of "Pirates of the Caribbean" but with sand... and horses instead of boats. However, as far as video-game inspired movies go, this one is not half bad (well, mainly because they managed to keep Uwe Boll away from it).

Anyway, Prince of Persia might not be a complete train wreck but it's not one of the best films of the summer. It tries to offer an intricate story-line but, apart from a minor plot-twist at the end, it's very predictable. It's just another one of those fun but incredibly dumb action movies. Sure, there's cool fighting scenes and good-looking people but the main characters aren't very likable and Jake Gyllenhaal's "now you see it now you don't" British accent is just plain ridiculous. Half way into the movie I found myself rooting for the hired assassin with the crazy-looking eyes who smoked a lot of weed and controlled snakes telepathically but, honestly, who can blame me? He had more personality than all the other characters combined, which, I might add, is not very difficult. I've seen dead badgers who are more original than any of them.

Personally, I like to think of "Prince of Persia" as a film about a young man with a disfunctional family who really enjoys parkour.

Rating: Meh +

She's out of your league...or is she?

What: She's out of my league

Who: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve and bunch of other people.

When: March...ish (but I only saw it recently because of...you know... jet lag or something)

First reaction: zohmygoodness! No, the movie wasn't that good (far from it) but Trevor Eve is in it! He's so awesome I wouldn't be surprised if he was carved from the same block of awesomeness that gave us Robert Downey Junior and all his... awesomeness?

Wikipedia told me that Trevor Eve is Alice Eve's father, which is rather curious since she also plays his daughter in the movie (I'm a sucker for this kind of... coincidence? Correspondence? Heck, I don't know what to call it).

So anyway, the film itself was... average. I feel like all the writers in Hollywood have given up on writing interesting and original stories and started coming up with really boring plots about everyday situations that, without random and rather vulgar comic reliefs, would put us all in a coma.

"She's out of my league" comes very close to be a film about two people in a completely normal relationship except throughout the whole thing everyone acts like Jay Baruchel's character is the ugliest bastard alive that shouldn't even be allowed to be around beautiful women because he might, I don't know, spontaneously combust or something. Besides I don't think Alice Eve is that hot, I mean, the way they were behaving, one would assume she's so insanely hot she actually kills people with her looks. But, come on, not even Megan Fox can do that and god knows how much she has tried...

So, yeah. No one should be bothered with this film, you shouldn't waiste a second of your time thinking about it. Just acknowledge it's out there and move one with or life (or, you know...don't), unless, of course, you really want to hear Trevor Eve talk with an American accent. In that case, knock yourself out. Although I have to warn you all: it's quite disturbing.

Rating: Meh

Jezebel's DVD pick of the week - Ninja Assassin

(Yeah, that's right! It's a new segment!)

Do you like 3D animated blood in large amounts? Do you like ninjas and assassins? Mildly attractive women? A linear but entertaining plot? If you answered yes to all these questions, "Ninja Assassin" might just be the movie for you.

Yes, "Ninja Assassin" is one of the awesomest movies ever. I mean, think about it: ninjas AND assassins (it's a bit redundant but, hey, I'm not complaining). The only way it could be better was if they threw in a couple of vampire zombies.

One of the reasons why I decided to watch "Ninja Assassin" was that, in most of its reviews, "gorefest" seemed to be the most repeated word. Honestly, people, who doesn't love mindless and often cartoonish violence?

So, "Ninja Assassin" is the tale of a very fit young man (I will make no further references to his looks, I promise, this is just an accurate description) who was trained by a super secret society of bad ass ninjas but, unfortunately, was later forced to go on the run after he decided he wasn't really into to the whole "butchering people for money" groove they had going on.

About this very toned main character I will say this: he might be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass. I'm serious people! This guy can do vertical push-ups on a bed of nails. Yes, vertical push-ups... on a bed of nails. Now Chuck Norris has to learn how to do back flips over a pit of fiery lava to keep up with the competition.

Rating: Oh yay!

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Never again

It has come to my attention that I have the tendency to get sidetracked. Sometimes, instead of reviewing the films, I tend to review the people in them...if you see where I'm getting at.

So, I made a promise. And I intend to keep it.

Here it is:

I, Jezebel, will never ever ever EVER speak of unusually handsome individuals again for as long as I feel like it.

There you have it.