The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Never again

It has come to my attention that I have the tendency to get sidetracked. Sometimes, instead of reviewing the films, I tend to review the people in them...if you see where I'm getting at.

So, I made a promise. And I intend to keep it.

Here it is:

I, Jezebel, will never ever ever EVER speak of unusually handsome individuals again for as long as I feel like it.

There you have it.

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?



And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Jezebel's Worst Movies of All Time - The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Hello there! This is a new...hmm... let's call it a segment and it's about the worst films I've ever seen (and yes, Jezebel is my real name, long story, you really don't want to hear it). Every month or so I'll be posting a little review about the worst damn movies EVER. You probably love a lot of these movies and will feel compelled to write nasty things on the comment section but, please, refrain from doing that (meh, who am I kidding? No one reads my blog).



So, I went to see Date Night (you'll get the review in a minute) and I suddenly remembered The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (because, you know, Steve Carell is in both of them) and how much I hated the bloody thing. Yes I know, I know, it got good reviews and pretty much everyone on this planet loved it but I didn't, so too bad!



Now, I'm not a prude or anything, but The 40-Year-Old-Virgin reminds me a lot of Jon Lajoie's sketch "Pointless Profanity", just not as funny. Seriously, I can recall several minutes of mindless, pointless and disgusting conversations that didn't add anything to the plot itself. Just the simple recollection of clips from the film makes me want to vomit, it made feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and got to a weird website about horse BDSM fetishism or something.


After I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I decided I was done with Steve Carell and that I would NEVER, EVER watch another movie with him, nor would I ever come within a twenty mile radius of one of Judd Apatow's films. Of course, I broke that promise because I saw Knocked up (hated it) and Don't Mess With the Zohan (blegh), which is something I regret deeply. However, over time, I've started to enjoy Steve Carell's work, I didn't mind Evan Almighty and I absolutely loved Little Miss Sunshine and Dan in Real life (so, if you want a good movie that stars Steve Carell, go for those and keep the hell away from The 40-Year-Old Virgin).


So, that's it for my first post about crappy movies. Actually, the first segment was going to be about Miami Vice, but I couldn't think of a single thing I would like to say about it, just... total emptiness...

Alice in freaking Wonderland

What: Alice in Wonderland



Who: Johnny Depp (well, obviously), Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway and Alan Rickman



When: February 25





It's like a bad acid trip.





There, I said it.





Rating: Meh+

The Wolfman

What: The Wolfman (well, duh)


Who: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving and Benicio del Toro


When: How the well should I know?


I don't like horror films. I really don't, I find them...illogical. Psychological thrillers and "stuff" like Saw and The Exorcist aren't my thing at all. I don't go to the movies to get the crap scared out of me, I go to the movies to have fun (which I don't have if I'm scared out of me mind), to enjoy myself and to watch abnormally good looking people engaging in awesome activities (such as head-chopping and flying). However, I do like pointless gore and werewolves (the kind that's not seventeen years old and constantly shirtless) and non-sparkling mythological creatures so I decided I really wanted to watch a film with some old school werewolves and, hopefully, lots of pointless violence.


Well, I saw the movie yesterday and I still don't know what to make of it. I mean, it was pretty awesome and I had a lot of fun. In one scene, Anthony Hopkins, in werewolf mode, attacks a policeman from behind and you can actually see his claws coming out of the man's mouth! (How cool is that?!). However, a lot more could be done with this film. I was hoping Lawrence (Benecio del Toro's character) and Gwen (Emily Blunt's character) would have some sexy time but they barely kissed. And that's just wrong, you can't have gore without sex (you just can't). I mean, teenagers under 16 aren't allowed in the cinema but apart from a few heads flying around there's nothing really inappropriate in it, there's nothing in it that would scar small children for life. I wanted something really shocking like bestiality or scenes so gruesome that made everyone nauseated enough to vomit all their popcorn.



Now, the story itself is not all bad, it's in a healthy medium, not too fancy, not too elaborate. The special effects are well, rather silly but all in all, fine. To be honest the whole film is just... ok. It's just a very large pile of "averageness", but it's good enough to give me hope! Hope that Twilight hasn't marked the end of cool monster movies.

(I just noticed something: Benicio del Toro has that "mildly attractive groove" going on, doesn't he?... good for him).

Rating: Meh

Number nine...number nine

(yes, it's a reference to The Beatles. Get over it)

What: Nine

Who: Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Fergie, Kate Hudson, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard (I sense I'm missing someone...) oh, that's right, Penelope Cruz

When: December...ish

Nine is probably the best bad movie ever. Confused? Well, allow me to explain: Nine is a terrific movie...in theory. It has a great cast, it's inspired by a semi autobiographical film by Frederico Fellini and...well, Daniel Day Lewis is in it, how could it go wrong? But, oh dear, something terrible happened, I can't tell you exactly what, but it was very very bad.

I really don't know if it was the director or some whiny producer... but Nine, instead of being a timeless movie is just...well... the biggest pile of baloney I've ever watched (not as bad as Miami Vice...but then again, what is?). Seriously, it's really bad. The whole movie is entirely made by clips of random hot women throwing themselves at Daniel Day Lewis's character, Guido (despite his greasy hair, I don't think he showered the whole movie). No, really. You can't watch five minutes of the film without some random attractive stranger trying to dry hump him.

There's another thing I don't get, the movie making people hired actresses like Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson and Fergie for a gazillion dollars (oh and Penelope Cruz, I geep forgetting her for some reason) and then each one gets 5 minutes on screen (and, for some reason, they made Fergie eat a ridiculous amount of cheesecake). I have to say, I was expecting a lot more. Not even the songs were good, they sounded all the same to me.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of musicals but I think they can be fun, I liked Sweeney Todd (meh, who didn't) and I even thought Chicago (which is from the same guy who made Nine) was alright, but Nine is just painful to watch. People, don't do this to yourselves. Do something more productive with your time, like...milking a cow or something.

However, I have the strange feeling you're not getting how bad this film actually is, so let me try to put this layman's terms: Nine is so bad it makes yawns yawn, it is so crappy that not even the random hot priest in the begging of the movie made it worth watching! (And I enjoy hot catholic priests more than the average woman).

That's how bad Nine is.

Rating: Load of crap (craptacular, I would say)