Conan: Khal Drogo speaks english

What: Conan the Barbarian

Who: Khal Drogo, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Land, Rose McGowan

When: August 19

Mastermind: Marcus Nispel

Before I start the review I'd like to share with you something I've discovered: Jason Momoa does not act. I wish I could tell you if he's a good actor or a bad actor but I can't because HE DOES NOT ACT. He never plays a character, he just shows up and does the only thing he knows how to do: he's himself. There is no Khal Drogo, no Conan, there is only Jason Momoa being Jason Momoa. He'll play barbarians until the day he dies because, well, look at him, he IS a barbarian, a modern barbarian, but a barbarian nonetheless.

I see you are skeptical. Don't believe me? Well, I've got proof.

Non english speaking barbarian

 English speaking barbarian

Futuristic barbarian

Hipster barbarian

Suited up barbarian

Now do you believe me? He's a barbarian. For cheese's sake, look at his eyebrows, the man has scars in strategic places! His surname is Momoa! He named his son Nakoa-Wolf, he has to be a barbarian (well, at least that's what I choose to believe in so shut up).

Well, anyway, Conan: the barbarian is a very silly film and should never, under any circumstance, be taken seriously. The plot is very meh and the lead female character is unspeakably annoying. The evil witch lady with the giant forehead was way more interesting than her. I would've been very happy if Tamara (that's the silly girl's name, I had to google it) really did end up being sacrificed (bad ass witch mothers are usually more interesting than blue-eyed (?) bimbos). 

The only sex scene in the film is very unfortunate. For some reason they feel the need to abandon their cosy pirate ship and have sex in a barn by sea full of hay and... diseases. Conan is also a regular Don Juan: he loves, then leaves. The film ends with Tamara and Conan saying goodbye, she couldn't possibly join him in his adventures even though she showed natural sword fighting skills because OH WAIT I HAVE NO IDEA.

And then there's the villain, the usual bad guy who kills the young hero's family and destroys his village thus providing him with the anger and motivation he needs to be a bad ass when he grows up. Also, following tradition, the bad guy has an opportunity to kill Jason (no Conan for you, you can't trick me) but he doesn't beacuse then the film would be 30 minutes long.

Rating: Meh (rather silly) 

It's thunder, bitches

What: Thor

When: May 6th

Who: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins

Mastermind: Kenneth Branagh

I love superhero movies. Give me a masked dude in tights, a freak accident and a pretty girl and I'm all set. I really can't remember a superhero film I didn't like. I liked the Green Hornet, all the X-men movies and V for Vendetta is probably my favourite film of all time (OF ALL TIME). Thor is no different, I loved Thor. It's nice and shinny, it has great special effects and a plot that's not completely retarded (I really like it when plots aren't retarded). Anyway, I had really high expectations for this film mainly because it was directed by Kenneth Branagh and, as we all know, he's an Irish pie filled with creamy Shakespearean awesomeness.

"A superhero movie, you say? Directed by Kenneth Branagh? Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Where do I sign?!"

Thankfully, Thor didn't disappoint. It's a really enjoyable movie. However, I have a few problems with the characters. I might love superhero films but I usually end up rooting for the villains.

Let me tell you about Thor. Thor is a big burly sort of fella who's not very smart and likes to smash stuff with his sidekick Mjolnir, the cosmic hammer. Naturally, Thor is blond, generically attractive and somewhat annoying. I believe he's the male equivalent of those ditsy and surgically enhanced girls who ride their pink scooters all around town with their freakishly small dogs and their overpriced handbags. The lights are on but nobody's home.

Anyway, Thor also has a brother named Loki who's not blond and appears to have a personality who turns out to be adopted (completely different gene pools... I should have known). Loki ends up playing the villain and if he had managed to scatter Thor's particles all across the universe using one of his worm-hole type thingies I would've been one happy camper.

Natalie Portman's character is also pretty sad. For someone who's supposed to be super smart she has no survival instincts whatsoever. Who, in the name of everythig that is holy, finds a crazy dude in the desert claming he came from space and decides to keep him? Women... that's who...

Rating: Oh yay!

Harry Potter and The Crappy McCrappyPants

What: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part II, I will not be reviewing part I because I am lazy)

When: July 15th

Who: All those people who were in the last seven films

Mastermind The Crappinator: David Yates

(Hey there. It's been a long time since my last review but I've finally decided to get off my ass and start doing something mildly productive (I have a very odd definition of "productive" so... yeah))

After seeing the final Harry Potter I've come to the conclusion that the universe has a very dark, twisted sense of humour. The universe is, in fact, a complete and utter dick. The universe hates me, it finds no joy in seeing people happy and I'm pretty sure that's why this film exists: to spread misery and sorrow throughout the land.

I loved pretty much all the Harry Potter films. Deathly Hallows part I was OK, nothing special, but I was totally fine with that because part II would surely blow my mind and make me pick up pieces of my skull from the floor. They promised me (and everyone else) pure, raw awesomeness to make up for all the camping and talking that happened in part I but instead I got a rather laughable and quite inaccurate adaptation of the last Harry Potter book.

I always thought adapting books into movies was hard. It must be very difficult to decide which parts to cut and which parts to keep. However, I will never understand the need these screenwriters have to pull stuff out of their asses. Why, in the name of all that is holy,  do they have to make stuff up? WHY? There's a book already, there's no need to put stuff in the movie that didn't really happened in the first place! Neville and Luna don't have any romantic relationship whatsoever. Neville marries the Abbott girl and Luna marries a random dude with an odd name. They don't marry each other! Sure, some fans would like to see some Luna/Neville action going on but doesn't mean screenwriters get to change the story. You don't see any Aragorn/Legolas involvement in Lord of the Rings, do you? And I'm pretty sure some people would like to see that... not me, of course...not really my cup of tea.

When I read that whole part about Snape's memories I cried my eyes out but the film adaptation just gave me the giggles.To be honest, most of the film gave me the giggles. It just took itself too seriously and ended up being silly instead of dark and dramatic. It's not bad film, it's just... a bit ridiculous.

I wouldn't go as far as to give it a negative review. It's not a bad film, the performances are pretty nice and the special effects are great but, as an adaptation, it sucks... big time.

So, if you're not a complete snob, such as myself, you'll enjoy this film very much. However, if you were blessed with the ability to be a complete prick, then you'll resent it for the rest of your days and be sad for a week just because the big bad movie people didn't produce exactly what you wanted.

There will be no "official" (lulz) rating because I'm too ambivalent.    

The stupid guys

What: The other guys

Who: Will Ferrell (hate him), Mark Whalberg (hate him too), Eva Mendes

When: August 2010

Mastermind IT HAS NONE

I hate Will Ferrell. I hate his guts. I hate his stupid face and his stupid curls and his stupid voice. I freaking hate Will Ferrell, that unfunny bastard, that sorry excuse for a comedian, that... giant handicapped woodchuck. You know, after I saw "Stranger than fiction" I was willing to give him a chance but I'm over that. I'm pretty sure Emma Thompson's presence was the only thing keeping him from sucking ass (which he does, on a regular basis).

"The other guys" reminds me of other spoofs like "Epic Movie" or "Date Movie" that are absolutely disgusting. After an hour and a half of it, honestly, I just wanted to shower... with bleach or... you know... ACID.
I do enjoy raunchy humour now and then but this is an abomination, a failed abortion! It's awful... and it makes me so very sad. Now, I'm not saying I didn't get e few giggles out of it, because I kinda did but as a whole, it's terrible. A 20 minute episode of "The Big Bang Theory" is a bajillion (yes, a bajillion, which is a lot more than a zillion) funnier than this blockbuster monstrosity.

Even the poster is stupid. Only mentally challenged thirty year olds and pre-pubescent boys could think this is actually a good film.

Rating: Pretty crappy

Paranormal activity my ass

What: Paranormal Activity 2

Who: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Brian Boland, blah blah blah 

When: October 22nd

Mastermind: Tod Williams

Remember when I said I didn't like horror films? Well, if they're all like Paranormal Activity 2 you can forget I ever said that. Horror films don't scare me, they bore the crap out of me (although I don't know which is worse: being scared or bored out of my mind).

I was expecting really creepy stuff like sentences written in blood on the walls or a mutilated cat hanging from a chandelier but instead I got haunted cabinetry. Seriously? That's what's scaring people nowadays? Furniture? I have to say, I'm not impressed.

The first half of the film is really unfortunate. It's just a few random clips of people relaxing by a pool or taking care of their children. I understand they had to give us some kind of background story, they had to try to make us like those people so that, when they finally died, it'd be awful and heartbreaking. But, oh boy, that so didn't happen. By the time the "creepy" stuff started happening (which was after an hour of boring dialogue and choppy scenes) I was so fed up I was hoping they'd all just fall into a wood chipper and get it over with.

Unfortunately, when I say "creepy stuff" I don't mean their dog got turned inside out or some sort of evil spirit wrote quotes from the bible in blood (or any other bodily fluid, I'm not picky) on their walls. None of that. Something did happen to their dog, we just don't what. They mention it got sick (I believe they said something about a heart attack) and rush it off to the vet but the camera never shows what the evil demon spirit did to it. I like to think it just hid on a closet or something, waited for the dog to walk in from of it, jumped out, yelled "buh!" and scared the crap out of the poor thing.
In another scene, a teenage girl thinks she hears something outside and opens the front door, when she steps into the garden the door slams behind her... Ooohh spooky! A draft! Run for your lives! That scene was like twenty minutes long and it culminated in a slamming door, I wish I could ask for a refund or at least that they'd throw a axe murderer in there, it'd make the film so much better.

There's also a flying woman, a hovering baby, a whole lot of talking and a few fidgety pots and pans. But, really, whoever makes these films: just...stop, ok? Make something about unicorns, they're always a crowd-pleaser.

Rating: Pretty Crappy

(I know I promised to stop but... T-Meter critics... 60%? Really? Look at your life, look at your choices...)

Awesome sauce

ZOHMYGOODNESS! Have you seen it?! HAVE YOU SEEN IT, GOD DAMMIT?! It's...it's beautiful...

It looks absolutly amazing... I want it... NOW!

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

What: The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Who: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina, Teresa Palmer

When: July 14th

Mastermind: Jon Turtletaub

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is average... painfully average. It's...irrelevant. Sure, it's shinny, I mean, not Avatar shinny but it's ok. The special effects are pretty cool but, lets be honest, no one cares. Seriously, would you go to the cinema to watch Harry Potter's retarded third cousin who may or may not be slightly inbred? No, you wouldn't. Why? Because there's already an awesome wizard franchise out there and no one can pull a Harry Potter ("I'm a sorcerer?! But I'm just a normal and awkward little boy! Surely it can't be!" It's been done, love) apart from Harry Potter himself. One might try to argue that this film was based on a poem by Paul Dukas and that there's no sorcery school but it just feels... derivative.

The actors didn't help either. Jay Baruchel has fallen in the Michael Cera trap: he plays himself in every film. We get it, he's awkward, he's very pale, he's skinny, he has a high-pitched voice, he's a nerd/geek/dork, he gets the girl, blah blah blah. Seen it all before. And it's not only that, he's constantly bitching and moaning. "Oh, no thanks Mr. Magician Man, I don't want to have awesome super powers and shoot lighting out of my hands, no, sorry, don't want to save the world either. I'd rather just go on a date with a girl who thinks I'm crazy". Oh. My. God. Who does that?! He actually prefers chasing tail over learning how to created awesome force fields.

But, anyway, it wasn't that bad. Just pointless. I'll admit it was a good time, it had mildly good-looking people, cool(ish) special effects and I had a nice bucket of popcorn to keep me busy during Nicolas Cage's ill-written monologues.

(Did anyone notice that in the poster Nicolas Cage's character is wearing the ring that, apparently, only the super-duper-ultra-elusive Prime Merlinian could wear? What's up with that? Silly Nicolas Cage... you're not the Prime Merlinian get that ring off your finger!)

Rating: Meh

Priest

I'm really excited about "Priest". The official genre is "futuristic superhero vampire western horror" and... I'm pretty sure that if someone found out a way to throw in there "zombie" too, the whole world would just collapse from the awesomeness. It'd be more effective than dividing by zero.

Apparently it's loosely based on a manhwa of the same name and its fanboys are already criticizing the hell out of it. The film is set to premiere in May of the next year and they're already trashing it. Seriously people? Are you trying to convince me that a film that stars Paul Bettany is going to suck? Because we all know that's not going to happen. Did you see him in "The DaVinci Code"? Did you? He made self-mortification seem hot. That's real talent right there. Who cares if it's not a hundred per cent exactly like the comic book? Do you see me bitching about the fourth Harry Potter movie? NO! Because it was awesome anyway! So shut your complain holes.

Stephen Moyer is in too (yes, vampire Bill from True Blood) which is good. I really like him...in a very non-sexual way. He just seems like a nice person. I can still remember when he was a struggling actor playing a creepy stalker/pervert/mass-murderer on "Waking the Dead"...they grow up so fast.

So, anyway, here's the trailer. I particularly enjoyed the shuriken crosses.

Jezebel's DVD pick of the month: Whatever Works

(Yes, it used to be Jezebel's DVD pick of the week but I have other things to do, you know?)

What: Whatever Works

Who: Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson, Ed Begley Jr., Michael McKean, Henry Cavill.

When: June 25th

Mastermind: Woody Allen (in case you're wondering... mastermind means director)


I know this is getting a little repetitive but... I just don't get the T-Meter critics from Rotten Tomatoes. I really liked "Whatever Works". It's sharp, funny, witty and intelligent: a comedy for people who aren't soulless automatons and don't laugh at things you'd see in a romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston. And still... the T-Meter Critics (also known as morons with zero or no intelligent input what so ever regarding films in general) didn't like it. It only got 49% positive reviews. But then I thought "well, maybe they just don't like Woody Allen anymore for that whole situation with his ex-wife's Asian adoptive daughter" but no, "Vicky Christina Barcelona" got 82% positive reviews (which is odd because it's rubbish).

(I really have to stop making a habit out of insulting T-Meter critics... it's not a very nice thing to do)

"Whatever works" is Woody Allen's return to smart comedies. Sure, the dramatic phase was nice, I liked "Scoop" and "Match Point" but by the time I got to" Cassandra's Dream" and "Vicky Christina Barcelona" I was bored out of my mind. After all, what's a Woody Allen film without a neurotic, borderline autistic, obsessive-compulsive character? I'll admit this film doesn't feature Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz making out or hunky Javier Bardem being hunky but it does have clever dialogues, witty one-lines such as "I see death by cultural shock" (go see the movie for context) and interesting characters like the up-tight southern midle-aged woman who ends up becoming an artist and sharing her bed with two other gentlemen.

So, yes, it's great in the sense only Woody Allen can be. Go watch it... like NOW.

Rating: Awesome!

Changes!

As you can see (unless you're blind) I've been doing some renovations. I figured since I finally have readers (Portuguese readers mostly but readers nevertheless) I should replace the old ugly default template with a new one from the template designer thingy blogger has now.

Well I hope you like it. I was very disappointed there weren't any banana themed templates but I'm quite pleased with this one.

I'll also be posting more pictures and content from the films I review (the layout is a bit different so I can afford to do that). The upcoming posts will be at least a gazillion times awesomer than the previous ones.

So... that's it, people. Just don't forget to leave a comment or two every once in a while unless, of course, you enjoy having the death of cute baby seals weighing on your conscience.

What is this I don't even...

What: The Expendables (such an appropriate tittle)

Who: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jake Gyllenhaal has NOTHING on this guy), Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke

When: August 13th

I love films where shooting at stuff makes it blow up, I really do. Actually, I think they're the only reason why the cinema was invented. People in the nineteenth century wanted to watch carriages crash into each other and explode so someone had to come up with a safe way to make that happen (in case you're wondering, this explanation is 100% historically accurate). I can assure you that no one pays good money to watch a film about eating and praying and... loving (must...fight...gag reflex...) in a room with a giant screen and surround sound.

However, as much as I love violent movies with really big guns and explosions fueled by sheer will-power, sometimes they take a wrong turn somewhere and turn out just awful. I believe that's what happened with "The Expendables". Judging by the trailer, one would assume it's a complete awesomefest but nooooo..."The Expendables" is a train wreck and not even the kind you can't stop looking at. It's the kind that's so bad you have to cover your eyes in terror when you pass by. I mean, they started off ok with the whole "blowing up people in half and hanging pirates" thing but it was downhill from there.

When I discovered the dialogues had been written by Stallone I wondered if he was any good at writing but, hey, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is... I shouldn't have. The man can't write to save his life. Sure, even dimwitted morons can come up with a half-decent script (where would Hollywood be now if they couldn't?) but, usually, they don't try to be very clever. They just toss out a linear story-line and call it a day. Stallone wants to have his cake and eat it too, he tries to be very dark and serious but then makes pathetic attempts to be funny that just come off as awkward and forced (yes, Jet Li is short... hardy har har... move along...). When it comes to action movies you're either really really serious and go all "Jason Bourne" on us or you don't and make stuff like Die Hard or The A-team. What you can't do is try to have it both ways.

However, the dialogues aren't the only bad thing in this movie. I can handle awful writing if it's kept to a minimum and if there's awesome fighting sequences to balance it out. But the thing is... the action scenes sucked big time. The blood was incredibly fake, the explosions were very... "meh" and I think they could have done a better job at stabbing Eric Roberts with a saber (I really really dislike Eric Roberts...).

The female characters were also ridiculous. Filmmaking people everywhere: if you're going to put annoying girls in action movies make sure they either end up dead or are mind boggling hot.

So...yeah, "The Expendables" is an awful film: bad writing, bad acting, bad action scenes, bad everything. Come on, it ended with Jason Statham reciting a very crappy Haiku-like thingy. How much worse can it get?

Rating: Pretty Crappy

It's the A-team, bitches.

What: The A-team

Who: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Patrick Wilson, Sharlto Copley, Quinton Jackson.

When: July 27th.

I don't understand the so-called critics who rate films over at rottentomatoes.com. "The A-Team" only got 48% positive reviews. But I guess that, when you read what the T-Meter critics have to say, everything gets a whole lot clearer: they just didn't get it, they didn't understand the film, not even a tiny bit. They call it vulgar, ordinary, disorienting and, my personal favourite, noisy (how, in the name of everything that is holy, can a film be noisy by its own? Maybe the cinema you went to just had the volume button turned up really really high, did you ever thought about that, mister movie critic?). Some people even said the plot was very confusing and that the whole film was so fast paced no one could understand it. Uh? Uh in the uh? How? It's an action movie, love. If you can't keep up with this kind of story-line, I suggest you start watching some Adam Sandler (or Ben Stiller) comedies.

But, hey, these are probably the same people who bashed "Where the wild things are" for having a sound-track full of overly obscure indie music (what were they expecting?).

Well, now that we got that out of the way, I can start reviewing the film properly. First of all, I really, really, REALLY liked it. I mean, it had awesome car/tank/airplane chases, explosions, likable characters (except for Jessica Biel's character, Hollywood just can't produce decent female characters, she was as annoying as a hyperactive poodle on crack), a semi-original story-line and funny dialogues. What more can a girl ask for? I think (I'm going out on a limb here) "The A-team" might just be the underrated film of the summer, the underdog, the retarded but adorable puppy, the... well, you see where I'm getting at.

I'm not saying "The A-team" is Oscar material. I'm not saying I'm going to give it an "insanely-good-movie-that-changed-my-life". What I'm trying to say is: if a film does not have Paris-Hilton-level performances (I'll be damned, that girl can't act to save her life), a plot straight out of one of Uwe Boll's "creations" (poor guy... got mocked two reviews in a row) and the cheap feel of a bad spoof like "Epic Movie" then it should get positive reviews. It shouldn't get over-analysed and bashed because it's not a super deep psychodrama.

So, movie critics and people who enjoy talking about cinema in general, if you had fun, if the film didn't suck and if you didn't need popcorn to entertain yourself just... give it a thumbs up and shut your pie holes.

Rating: Awesome!

(N)ever again

It was brought to my attention that the assessments I make of the male gender actually contribute to my blog's charm and... popularity.

So, there you have it. I've officially reinstated foolish commentary on good-looking men. If you don't like it I'm sure IMDB has plenty of boring and witless reviews for you.

Prince of Persia

What: Prince of Persia: the Sands of Time


Who: Jake Gyllenhaal (Jesus on a cracker, that's a tough surname to spell), Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton


When: May 21st


This is an amazing film... it really is. You know why? Because it just teaches you so much. For example: did you know that Persians are actually British people in funny costumes? I had no idea but, apparently, it's true (or so the movie-making people think). I could swear Persians were Iranian but no sir, they're a hundred per cent British and proud of it.

But, apart from the poor characterization of the Persian people, the film was ok. It reminded me a lot of "Pirates of the Caribbean" but with sand... and horses instead of boats. However, as far as video-game inspired movies go, this one is not half bad (well, mainly because they managed to keep Uwe Boll away from it).

Anyway, Prince of Persia might not be a complete train wreck but it's not one of the best films of the summer. It tries to offer an intricate story-line but, apart from a minor plot-twist at the end, it's very predictable. It's just another one of those fun but incredibly dumb action movies. Sure, there's cool fighting scenes and good-looking people but the main characters aren't very likable and Jake Gyllenhaal's "now you see it now you don't" British accent is just plain ridiculous. Half way into the movie I found myself rooting for the hired assassin with the crazy-looking eyes who smoked a lot of weed and controlled snakes telepathically but, honestly, who can blame me? He had more personality than all the other characters combined, which, I might add, is not very difficult. I've seen dead badgers who are more original than any of them.

Personally, I like to think of "Prince of Persia" as a film about a young man with a disfunctional family who really enjoys parkour.

Rating: Meh +

She's out of your league...or is she?

What: She's out of my league

Who: Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve and bunch of other people.

When: March...ish (but I only saw it recently because of...you know... jet lag or something)

First reaction: zohmygoodness! No, the movie wasn't that good (far from it) but Trevor Eve is in it! He's so awesome I wouldn't be surprised if he was carved from the same block of awesomeness that gave us Robert Downey Junior and all his... awesomeness?

Wikipedia told me that Trevor Eve is Alice Eve's father, which is rather curious since she also plays his daughter in the movie (I'm a sucker for this kind of... coincidence? Correspondence? Heck, I don't know what to call it).

So anyway, the film itself was... average. I feel like all the writers in Hollywood have given up on writing interesting and original stories and started coming up with really boring plots about everyday situations that, without random and rather vulgar comic reliefs, would put us all in a coma.

"She's out of my league" comes very close to be a film about two people in a completely normal relationship except throughout the whole thing everyone acts like Jay Baruchel's character is the ugliest bastard alive that shouldn't even be allowed to be around beautiful women because he might, I don't know, spontaneously combust or something. Besides I don't think Alice Eve is that hot, I mean, the way they were behaving, one would assume she's so insanely hot she actually kills people with her looks. But, come on, not even Megan Fox can do that and god knows how much she has tried...

So, yeah. No one should be bothered with this film, you shouldn't waiste a second of your time thinking about it. Just acknowledge it's out there and move one with or life (or, you know...don't), unless, of course, you really want to hear Trevor Eve talk with an American accent. In that case, knock yourself out. Although I have to warn you all: it's quite disturbing.

Rating: Meh

Jezebel's DVD pick of the week - Ninja Assassin

(Yeah, that's right! It's a new segment!)

Do you like 3D animated blood in large amounts? Do you like ninjas and assassins? Mildly attractive women? A linear but entertaining plot? If you answered yes to all these questions, "Ninja Assassin" might just be the movie for you.

Yes, "Ninja Assassin" is one of the awesomest movies ever. I mean, think about it: ninjas AND assassins (it's a bit redundant but, hey, I'm not complaining). The only way it could be better was if they threw in a couple of vampire zombies.

One of the reasons why I decided to watch "Ninja Assassin" was that, in most of its reviews, "gorefest" seemed to be the most repeated word. Honestly, people, who doesn't love mindless and often cartoonish violence?

So, "Ninja Assassin" is the tale of a very fit young man (I will make no further references to his looks, I promise, this is just an accurate description) who was trained by a super secret society of bad ass ninjas but, unfortunately, was later forced to go on the run after he decided he wasn't really into to the whole "butchering people for money" groove they had going on.

About this very toned main character I will say this: he might be able to kick Chuck Norris's ass. I'm serious people! This guy can do vertical push-ups on a bed of nails. Yes, vertical push-ups... on a bed of nails. Now Chuck Norris has to learn how to do back flips over a pit of fiery lava to keep up with the competition.

Rating: Oh yay!

The Iron Man

What: Iron Man 2

Who: Robert Downey Junior, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johansson.

When: April 30th

(As promised, I won't be talking about Robert Downey Junior gorgeousness or anything similar, well, apart from this announcement thingy, of course).

The highly anticipated Iron Man 2 has finally arrived and... well... it's about stuff, I guess. I'm not very focused, so I'm very sorry if this isn't the most coherent post ever.

Ok then, Iron Man 2 is, as expected, very awesome. Mickey Rourke does one hell of a job playing Ivan Vanko (by the way, he doesn't look very disfigured to me, I mean, he's getting old and he doesn't look exactly like he did when he shot "Nine and a half weeks", but jesus people, stop saying he looks like a braised ham or the elephant man, that's just rude), one of the coolest, most bad ass Russian villains ever. Well, he'd be even more bad ass if he didn't have a weird obsession with his bird (which he calls "burd", just, 'cause, you know, in case you forget he's from old mother Russia).

The first three quarters of the film are about how poor Tony Stark is dying of palladium poisoning but, honestly, I'm not buying it. In Iron Man 2, one of the side effects of said poisoning is getting a bunch of geometrical black lines on your skin but I've been doing some research (go-go wikipedia!) and, although palladium is very bad for you, it will not give awesome temporary malignant black tattoos, it will, however, cover you in blisters and make your body accumulate pus in odd places (I'm guessing that isn't glamorous enough to be in a movie).

In the final quarter of the film, after Tony Stark is able to pull a new element out of his ass (well, he's father's ass, actually) and get rid of the palladium in his body, he and his friend (who also has a bad ass super suit) go fight off Ivan Vanko's evil army of robotic minions.

Scarlett Johansson and Samuel L. Jackson also kick some ass and do some stuff, just go watch it and leave me alone.

Rating: Oh yay!

Never again

It has come to my attention that I have the tendency to get sidetracked. Sometimes, instead of reviewing the films, I tend to review the people in them...if you see where I'm getting at.

So, I made a promise. And I intend to keep it.

Here it is:

I, Jezebel, will never ever ever EVER speak of unusually handsome individuals again for as long as I feel like it.

There you have it.

Date Night!

What: Date Night

Who: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Ray Liotta; Mila Kunis, Jimmi Simpson (*drools*)

When: April 8th...maybe? I'm not sure

We meet again, invisible readers!

Today's tale is about Date Night (well, duh), the bastard child of a romantic comedy and an action movie, a curious hybrid, a freak created from merging two very different films, a crazy genetic experiment gone wrong, a... ok I'll stop now, you get the picture.

I believe this film falls in the category of mildly amusing. It's a good time and all but the plot is, most of the time, just flat out ridiculous and it tries to take itself seriously (but only occasionally, thank goodness). But let's face it, since I saw the trailer on E! (yes, I watch E!, sometimes, when I'm not watching super awesome shows like Heroes or Supernatural, stop judging! Christ, you people are terrible) I was completely aware of how silly it was going to be, I knew upfront the plot wasn't going to be all that and, to be honest, I hate 30 Rock and Tina Fey (yes, the cat is out of the bag, deal with it). So why, you ask, why would put myself through more than an hour of foolishness and mediocre writing?

The truth is... I am more than willing to watch a so-so film if it has an unbelievably good-looking person in it (I'm only human) and, as much as it pains me to admit it, Jimmi Simpson was the sole reason why I dragged myself (and an unsuspecting friend) to the cinema. He's one of those people nature made just to mess with your head and, to be honest, it should be illegal to be that good-looking, he should be in prison, far far away from society. And believe me when I say I could easily turn this post into a very long rant about how gorgeous he is, because that was my original plan.

However, I review films, not the male gender, so back to "Date Night". It just hit me the other day that the perfect word to describe it is, in fact, gibberish (or shenanigans, either one works), just a big pile of mildly amusing gibberish. It's full of unrealistic scenes that try to be funny but that fail miserably at it. In one part, they rob someone's car because they're being chased by super evil people and then, out of the blue, decide to pull over and discuss the state of their relationship. I mean, wut? Why would you do that? It doesn't matter if you're happily married or not if you're dead, does it?



And yes, Jimmi Simpson can be pretty all he wants but it's not enough to save this film, so...

Rating: Pretty Crappy

Jezebel's Worst Movies of All Time - The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Hello there! This is a new...hmm... let's call it a segment and it's about the worst films I've ever seen (and yes, Jezebel is my real name, long story, you really don't want to hear it). Every month or so I'll be posting a little review about the worst damn movies EVER. You probably love a lot of these movies and will feel compelled to write nasty things on the comment section but, please, refrain from doing that (meh, who am I kidding? No one reads my blog).



So, I went to see Date Night (you'll get the review in a minute) and I suddenly remembered The 40-Year-Old-Virgin (because, you know, Steve Carell is in both of them) and how much I hated the bloody thing. Yes I know, I know, it got good reviews and pretty much everyone on this planet loved it but I didn't, so too bad!



Now, I'm not a prude or anything, but The 40-Year-Old-Virgin reminds me a lot of Jon Lajoie's sketch "Pointless Profanity", just not as funny. Seriously, I can recall several minutes of mindless, pointless and disgusting conversations that didn't add anything to the plot itself. Just the simple recollection of clips from the film makes me want to vomit, it made feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and got to a weird website about horse BDSM fetishism or something.


After I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I decided I was done with Steve Carell and that I would NEVER, EVER watch another movie with him, nor would I ever come within a twenty mile radius of one of Judd Apatow's films. Of course, I broke that promise because I saw Knocked up (hated it) and Don't Mess With the Zohan (blegh), which is something I regret deeply. However, over time, I've started to enjoy Steve Carell's work, I didn't mind Evan Almighty and I absolutely loved Little Miss Sunshine and Dan in Real life (so, if you want a good movie that stars Steve Carell, go for those and keep the hell away from The 40-Year-Old Virgin).


So, that's it for my first post about crappy movies. Actually, the first segment was going to be about Miami Vice, but I couldn't think of a single thing I would like to say about it, just... total emptiness...